妳是莱拉? You're Lilah?
阿诺? Arnold?
密语是什麽? What's the password?
- "罗密欧叫我来的" - 他一定喜欢妳 - "Romeo sent me." - He must like you.
- 他说的? - 他叫妳来找我啦 - Did he say that? - He sent you to me.
- 我走投无路了 - 妳找对人了 - He knows I'm desperate. - You came to the right man.
怎麽做? So, how do we do it?
妳有钱吗? Do you have money?
- 我不知道多少... - 五百元 - I didn't know how much... - $500.
天哪 Jesus.
一个二十元 一套二十五个 They're $20 a pop. I can sell you a packet of 25.
这是上等货 保证新鲜 This is prime stuff. Guaranteed fresh.
可以看一下吗? Could I see them?
没有免费样品 No free samples.
这是我的私房钱 我要先看货 Look, this is my cookie-jar money. I've got to see what I'm buying.
千万别泄漏出去... Never let it be said...
"波兰的女孩结婚时 会得到什麽又长又硬的东西?" "What does a Polish girl get that's long and hard when she gets married?"
笑点在哪里? Where's the punchline?
那就是妳付钱给我的目的 That's what you pay me for.
讲到婚姻 我嫁给波兰人 Speaking of marriage, I'm married to a Polish man.
你们也许认识波兰人 I don't know if you know Polish men...
我们结婚时他给我一样又长又硬的东西 ...but he gave me something long and hard when we got married.
- 知道是什麽吗? - 他的姓氏 - You know what? - Yeah, a last name.
你听过了? You heard that one, huh?
我讨厌威玛弗林史东 我想谈谈她 (摩登原始人主角之妻 每当主角闹出大事时，常帮忙解决) I hate Wilma Flintstone. I want to talk about it.
她是个婊子 I think she's a fucking bitch.
我是纽约人 家里有十个孩子 I'm from New York, from a large family. There are 10 kids in my family.
多得连我爸的肚皮 That's a lot of kids, Jack. My father has stretch marks.
都有妊娠纹 There's a bunch of us.
我知道你们都在想 "瞧这女的 I know you're all staring at me thinking, "My God, look at this girl.
她长得好像戴安娜罗丝 好神奇" (美国女黑人歌手及演员) "She looks so much like Diana Ross. I can't get over it."
我要模仿 I'm going to do an impression...
甘地的母亲 ...of Gandhi's mother.
"甜心 拜托 吃一个三明治 好吗?" "Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich."
我老婆买了鳄鱼皮手套 我问 "买手套做什麽?" My wife bought alligator gloves. I said, "Why the gloves?"
她说她要告诉别人她有皮肤病 "I'll tell them I got a skin condition."
有用抗水蛭药的经验吗? Have you tried Leech Off?
跟盐酸一起用非常有效 Leech Off works naturally with hydrochloric acid.
只要点在眼睛里 水蛭就自然滚蛋了 Just a few drops in each eye, you can kiss those leeches goodbye.
我们在做爱 我发觉他很压抑 We were making love the other night. I felt he was holding back.
我说 "亲爱的 我们都结婚15年了 So I said, "Sweetheart, we've been married for 15 years.
我不想你做爱的时候这麽压抑 "When we make love, I don't want you to hold back.
想干嘛就干嘛" "I want you to do whatever you want to do."
结果知道他干什麽吗? 他吐了 So you know what he did? He threw up.
如果你嫁给波兰男士 The thing about being married to a Polish man...
妳会以为跟嫁别人一样... ...you'd think it would be like being married to anyone else.
我第一次和女性接触是在我很年轻的时候 The first physical contact I had with a woman came very early in life.
我见到这个女孩咬了她的胸部 I saw a girl dancing, I went up and bit her on the chest.
他们当时在拯救鲸鱼 Slaughter? They're saving the whales...
和海豹 但在残害聚酯宝宝的时候 ...they're saving the seals but nobody gives a shit...
却没人关心... ...when they kill a baby polyester just to make a...
好莱坞对蜡像馆最新的概念 来自帮一个明星治疗的 Hollywood's newest concept for a wax museum comes from an ear doctor...
耳科医生 ...who treats the stars.
我不想争辩刻板印象 I don't want to argue with you, please, with the stereotypes.
中国人非常会开车 好 Chinese people are excellent drivers. Fine.
很多犹太人抢着付帐 好 A lot of Jewish people pick up a check. Fine.
很多日本人没有摄影器材 Many Japanese tourists have no photo equipment.
他们有大老二 好 They have big dicks. Fine.
你会喜欢这则笑话 我历史课的学生觉得很好笑 Listen, you'll like this. It works in my history class.
纳森海尔说 "我只有一生" Nathan Hale said, "I only have one life."
听着 我可以等 我在等 Listen. I can wait. I'm waiting.
我有很多时间 I have all the time.
混蛋! Asshole!
【请安静 口试进行中】
对不起 我是史帝芬高德 Excuse me. I'm Steven Gold.
高德先生 很高兴你能来 Mr. Gold, how nice of you to drop by.
抱歉我迟到了 我整晚熬夜念书 Sorry I'm late. You know, I was up studying all night.
没关系 你的努力有了成果 That's all right. Certainly seems to be paying off for you, doesn't it?
你的笔试98分 On the written portion, you got a 98.
是全班最高分 It's the highest grade in the class.
真的? I did?
是的 对一个试读半年的 Yes, that's quite an accomplishment for a student who's been...
学生来说很了不起 ...on academic probation for the last half year.
谢谢 Thank you.
我觉得很不可思议 I'd call it incredible.
你不觉得吗? Wouldn't you?
顺着消化路径 标出每个部位 Trace the path of digestion, Gold. Label everything along the way.
这有在考试项目里吗? Was this on the prep sheet?
没有 但对笔试98分的学生来说 No. But for a man who scored 98 on the written test...
应该不是问题 请标出来 ...this should be no problem. Labels please.
我想发表对标示的意见 If I could just say a word about labels.
医生在今日社会中的真正功能 I think that to truly function in today's society...
应该是对人有整体性的了解 ...a doctor has to have an understanding of the human being as a whole.
- 你同意吗? - 没错 - Do you not agree? - I would.
我可以把各部位标出来 I could stand here and I could name things.
硬颚和软颚 食道 I could name the hard and soft palate, the pharynx, epiglottis and oesophagus...
胃 脾脏... 但那并无法触碰到 ...the stomach, the spleen, but it doesn't begin to touch on the fact...
肠胃系统的核心... 也就是您的专长 医生 ...that the gastro-intestinal system, which is your specialty, Dr. Wishniak...
也是我真正想钻研的领域... ...indeed the field that I hope to go into...
是维持人类存活的根本基础 ...is really responsible for keeping the whole human being alive.
心 肺与其相较下都会显得暗淡无光... The heart, the lungs, everything pales by comparison...
因为人的动力... ...because man is motivated...
都是因为饥饿所致 ...in everything he does by hunger.
一般人相信 人是被性爱所刺激 Popular belief has it that man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.
让我告诉你 Let me tell you something.
把美女和披萨摆在一个饥饿的男人面前 You show a starving man a beautiful woman and a pizza.
他会选哪一个? What do you think he's going to choose?
试试丑女和披萨 Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.
把各部位标出来 Name the parts, Gold.
如果没有全对 表示你没有参加笔试 If you can't get 100 percent, you're not the man who took that test.
如果是别人帮你考的 你就会被开除! And if you sent someone else in to take it for you, you're out!
结肠的脾脏弯摺 Spleen inflecture of the transverse colon.
大网膜 Greater omentum.
阑尾 Vermiform appendix.
肠 The intestine.
肠的哪个部位? What part of the intestine?
大肠 The large intestine.
大肠的哪个部位? What part of the large intestine?
- 你知道吗? - 知道 - Do you know it or not? - Of course I do.
是什麽? Then what is it?
尿道 The poop chute.
我不知道帮器官取诡异的名字有什麽好处 I call it that because I don't believe in shrouding our organs...
所以大家才会怕医生 ...in mysterious names. That's why people are afraid of doctors.
- 我们要把你开除 - 拜托 - We're washing you out, Gold. - Dr. Wishniak, please.
我这学期的时间分配一直有问题 I've been under something of a time problem this semester.
我晚上在工作 I've been working nights.
我坦白说好了 Can I be frank with you?
真正有天分的人等着进本校 There are people with real talent and dedication waiting for a spot in this school.
其中一人会拿着你的学位... One of them is going to have yours, because it serves no purpose...
因为让你行医也没有意义... ...to let someone like you become a practitioner of medicine.
为何要让一个没有天分的人... What good does it do to allow someone with no talent for it...
去治疗疾病患者呢? ...to treat people with life-threatening ailments?
那可以减少病患的数量 It'll cut down on the number of people with life-threatening ailments.
- 任何事对你都是笑话吗? - 不是 - Is everything a joke to you? - No, it's not, Doctor. I'm sorry.
- 拜托 给我一个机会 - 抱歉 - Please, I'd like another chance. - Sorry.
我不能被当 I can't flunk out.
你已经被当了 You already have.
我该怎麽办? What am I going to do?
你晚上的工作是你有天分的事吗? This work you do at night, is it anything you have a talent for?
直肠! Rectum!
【加油站】
认真的说... But seriously now...
如果有我的电话 就是我爸打来的 ...if the phone rings and it's for me, it's my father.
他以为这里是我的宿舍 所以大家别出声 He thinks it's the number of the school dormitory, so everyone shut up.
上周他打电话给我 Last week he calls me up.
他说 "儿子 告诉我你名列前茅" He says, "Son, I want you to tell me that you're in the top half of your class."
"我是让人家名列前茅的" "I'm in the half of the class that made the top half of the class possible."
讲起来有点奸诈 That sounds kind of deceptive...
我爸拉了那麽多关系... ...but if anyone has pulled as many strings as my father has...
我得小心翼翼的跟他说 我被当的事实 ...you have to break it easy to him that you flunked out.
- 妳的发型真好看 - 真的吗? - Your hair looks great. - You think?
- 妳会迷死人 - 谢谢 - It's going to kill. - Thanks.
- 嗨 - 嗨 柏西 - Hi. - Hi, Percy.
- 瞧瞧妳 - 是啊 - Check it out. - Yeah.
- 莱拉到了 - 布莱恩 - It's Lilah time. - Hi, Brian.
我喜欢妳的发型 I love your hair.
我老公会杀了我 他还没看到 My husband's going to kill me. He hasn't seen it yet.
甩了那个混蛋 Dump the asshole.
像芒果 像祖鲁人 又像露西 It's very mango. It's very Zulu. It's very Lucy.
莱拉 我的经纪人 Lilah, I talked to my manager.
要妳寄带子给他 他说电视台喜欢家庭主妇 He said that you should send him a tape. Everybody starting out needs a tape.
他们很迷家庭主妇 The networks, they love housewives. They're into them.
所以耶稣爱圣母玛莉亚 Everyone loves housewives that's why Jesus loved Mary. A true story.
- 谁有菸? - 谁会有带子? - Who's got a cigarette? - Who's got a tape?
我朋友帮妳拍一支一百块 My friend will make you one for $100.
- 谁有一百块? - 妳需要带子 - Who's got $100? - You need a tape, trust me.
- 妳需要带子 - 妳需要带子 - You need a tape. - You need a tape.
- 她需要带子 - 好 我需要带子 - She needs a tape. - All right, I need a tape.
今晚谁要跟我换时段? Could someone do me a big favour and trade places with me tonight?
我还没回家 我老公很火大 I haven't been home all day. My husband's really pissed off.
- 我不要 - 我不要 - Not me. - Not I.
为什麽? Why not?
妳在波尔先生後面 他会让观众 Tonight's a first-come-first-served night and you walked in right after Mr. Ball.
变得暴躁不安 He gets the audience into a fractured, frenzied, bloodthirsty state.
我不能接在他後面 I can't follow that.
- 帮我啦 - 现在谁在上面? - Zip me. - Who's up now?
又真诚 又棒 又热爱舞台的史帝芬高德 The very genuine, the very wonderful, the very stage-hoggy Steven Gold.
下个是谁? Who's up next?
活泼的圣玛拉奇修女 The very vivacious Sister Saint Monique.
布莱恩 拜托跟我换 Brian, wouldn't you do me this favour and trade with me?
我会补偿你的 I'll make it up to you.
求我 Beg me.
- 拜托啦 - 好吧 - Please? - All right.
- 谢谢 - 叫艾玛拿酒来给我 - Thanks. - Tell Ernie to send me down a drink.
威士忌苏达 Make it a scotch and soda.
唉呀 修女 Why, Sister.
我刚到纽约 我得熟悉一下这个城市 I'm no New Yorker. I didn't know about the city so I had to learn.
所以我参加一个旅游团 I wanted to take one of these tours.
我坐上游览车 导游叫汤米陈 I got on this tour bus run by this guy, Tommy Chen.
他对纽约一无所知 And Tommy didn't know shit about New York City.
汤米陈一路上胡诌瞎掰 Tommy Chen was making it up as he went along.
"这是哥布伦圆环 "Okay, this right here, this Columbus Circle.
它名称的由来... 是因为 "This call Columbus Circle because...
哥布伦来过这里... "...when Columbus came here...
看过一圈..." "...he looked all around.
"知道地下铁这名字的由来? "You know how subway get its name?
它们以前是充满水的地道 "Subway originally was tunnels filled with water.
人们搭乘容纳四百人的... "People travel uptown, downtown, on big long submarine.
超大潜水艇 不过速度很慢" "Hold 300, 400 people. But they were very slow..."
- 嗨 - 妳好吗? - Hi. - How you doing?
- 我是伊芙 - 莱拉 - I'm Eve. - I'm Lilah.
我知道 上周看过妳表演 I know. I saw your stand-up last week.
我有逗观众笑吗? Is that the week I got a laugh?
妳做多久了? How long have you been doing it?
13周 不过谁在算呢? Thirteen weeks and three days, but who's counting?
我知道 这需要点时间 I know. It takes time.
伊芙 拿去 Eve, pick it up.
"中央公园 "That over there, Central Park.
它的名字是用着名韩国人朴东宣的表弟名字 "It named after cousin to very famous Korean Tung Sung Park...
另一个叫视野的表弟则住在布鲁克林" "...who'd another cousin named Prospect, but he live in Brooklyn."
要像他那样需要多久? How long before you get like that?
史帝芬? 他不一样 他是天赋异禀 Steven? I'm afraid he's born that way.
- 妳认识他? - 当然 - You know him? - Yeah.
那麽熟? That well?
没多久 混蛋也需要地方住 Briefly. Asshole needed a place to stay.
不太愉快? Not a good experience?
笑声不断 A lot of laughs.
"没人要看不快乐 "Nobody wants to see unhappy places.
或悲伤的地方 "Nobody wants to see sad places.
他们想看漂亮的地方 "People want to see beautiful places.
人们想看美丽的世界 我就带他们去看 "People want to see a beautiful world. And I show it to them.
就算我得假装也一样 "Even if I have to fake it.
我不光是个导游 "I'm not just a tour guide.
我是个旅游设计师" 谢谢 "I'm a tour stylist." Thank you.
谢谢各位 Thank you very much.
谢谢 Thank you.
各位 史帝芬高德 Steven Gold, ladies and gentlemen. The comedy of Steven Gold.
怎麽样 非常可爱的家伙 How about that? A very lovely guy.
很变态 但很可爱 A sick guy, but a lovely guy.
- 我是莱拉 - 嗨 - Hi, I'm Lilah. - Hi.
我是你的粉丝 我经常看你表演 I'm a big fan of yours. I watch you all the time.
你能不能给我些指导? Could you watch me sometime and give me some pointers?
我现在得去清洗我的鱼缸 Sure. Right now I have to go clean my fish tank.
後面还又更多搞笑高手 I want to keep bringing them up here, like it or not.
准备好了吗? 掌声鼓励 Are you ready for it? All right, let me hear it.
下一个... Okay, now the next lady...
不是很好笑 但是... ...is not very funny but...
她有慢性子宫颈感染... ...she does have chronic yeast infection.
还有一个波兰老公 我不知道哪个比较糟糕 And she has a Polish husband, so I don't know which is worse.
让我们热烈欢迎她 Let's be nice to her. Let's give her a nice big Gas Station welcome.
莱拉克里希 Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Lilah Krytsick.
上来使出妳的看家本领 Come on, Lilah. Come on up here. Show them what you've got.
各位 莱拉克里希 Lilah Krytsick, ladies and gentlemen.
给她个梯子 Quick, get her a ladder.
怎麽样? How's that?
第一次有人要我把它弄短 This is the first time anybody's asked me to make it smaller.
谢谢你 罗密欧 Thank you, Romeo.
真的 我老公是波兰人... It's true, my husband is Polish...
我不觉得好笑 ...which I personally don't think is very funny.
如果你觉得好笑 我告诉你 But if you think it's funny, I'd like to tell you that to him...
他认为 "同步性高潮" ...the term "simultaneous orgasm" means:
是发生在同一个房间 It could happen in the same room.
我不懂 I don't understand.
我的学生都觉得很好笑 The kids in the history classes, they love it and think it's funny.
是很好笑 It is funny.
是很好笑 你让观众追着你打 It is funny, but the audience goes after you because you let them.
但如果有人吐你槽 你就吐回去 You got to fight back. If a guy heckles you, heckle him back.
用那个关於他老婆的笑话 Use that old joke about his wife:
"那是你老婆? 你有她的裸照吗? "Excuse me, sir, is that your wife? Do you have any naked pictures of her?
你想买裸体录影带吗? "Would you like to buy some? Naked videos?
8厘米影片如何? "How about 8-millimetre pornographic loops?
她和我和拍的裸照? 还有和动物 "Or pictures of her with me? With farm animals?
跟前罪犯拍的?" "With ex-cons from New Jersey?"
那样能堵他的嘴 观众也会笑 It's an old joke, but it shuts him up and the audience gets a laugh.
开始攻击吧 杰瑞 Attack, Jerry.
他怎麽会有他老婆的裸照? Why would he have naked pictures of his wife?
算了 忘了我说的吧 Forget everything I just said. Just forget everything.
- 嘿 史帝芬 - 嘿! - Hey, Steven. - Yo!
可以跟你谈谈吗? Could I talk to you?
请进我的办公室 Step into my office.
- 待会见 - 好 - See you later. - Yeah.
- 好好表演 - 我会的 - Have a good show. - I will.
- 笑死他们 我知道你行的 - 待会见 - You'll kill them. I know you will. - See you later.
- 有什麽事? - 你在洗澡? - What do you want? - Are you taking a bath?
休息一下而已 最近我都睡在沙发上 Making a pit stop. Been sleeping on a couch lately.
你可到我办公室休息 你缺钱吗? You could use my office. Do you need some money? Is that it?
我没办法还你 I can't pay you back, if that's what this meeting is about.
我们事朋友 我们就像一家人 We're friends, we're like a family.
不方便的话就别还了 I won't ask for money when you're in a tight spot.
- 你人真好 - 我照顾自己人 - You're a prince. - I take care of my people.
- 你是圣人 - 我曾经照顾罗宾葛林 - You're a saint. - Like I took care of Robyn Green.
你简直是神 You are God.
我带着他打拼了2年 Two years, I took him through hard times. I did.
一天晚上 有个星探走进来 他只跟我说 "再见 罗密欧" What happened? One night, a talent scout walks in. "Goodbye, Romeo."
连声谢谢都没有 Not a thank you, not a postcard.
- 也没有一成的佣金 - 这跟钱无关 - No 10 percent commission. - This isn't about money.
- 你这麽想伤了我的心 - 这就是关乎钱 - You hurt my feelings. - It is about money.
你这地方每晚满座 每场却只给我们十五块 You pack this place up, and pay us $15 a set.
然後你被挖走 我还在这里 Then you get discovered and I'm still here.
我们买血求生 你却赚翻了 Where you rake it in, while we sell our blood to the Red Cross.
别说你是我们的大恩人 Don't tell us about any big favours you do.
- 我大可以把这里改成修车厂 - 为什麽不改? - I could've turned this place into a garage. - Why didn't you?
我喜欢喜剧演员 I'll tell you. God help me, I love comics.
- 废话少说 - 什麽废话? 你到底在说什麽? - Cut to the chase. - What chase? What is he talking about?
你想当我的经纪人? You want to be my agent?
- 拿十五块的一成? - 就这问题? - You want 10 percent of my $15? - Is that a problem?
还有我卖血拿的12块? 我还真是个有钱人 The $12 I get for selling my blood? I'm a very rich man.
通常要死了才能卖身体 I've been selling off my body. Usually you wait until you die.
我是特例 我的肺一个6块半 They're making a special case for me. I got $6 for a lung...
肝一磅2块半 ...I got $2.50 for a pound of my liver.
我还卖精子给诊所 I've been selling my sperm to a fertility clinic.
经子银行有夜间投递孔 The sperm bank has a night-deposit slot. I'm making a fortune.
我跟机器做爱就会发大财 I'm just tired of sticking my dick in a machine.
- 很好笑 写下来 - 你觉得好笑? - Funny stuff, write it down. - You're laughing?
我已经写下来了 I have written it down.
- 我只要你记得我就好了 - 谁是玛德琳尤瑞? - - I want you to remember me, that's all. - Who's Madeline Urie?
她帮电视台发掘人才 She provides talent for all the major networks.
她是大卫雷特曼和强尼卡森的星探 She scouts for Letterman. She scouts for Carson.
她看过你的首场表演 她想再看一次 She saw your first show. She wants to see you again.
这是真的吗? Is this for real?
她正在楼上等你 She's upstairs, right this minute, waiting for you.
你怎麽不早说? 我该说什麽? Why didn't you just say so? What should I do?
- 关於地下铁的东西? - 不 - I'll do the subway stuff. - No.
- 讲医学院的东西 - 对 - I'll do the medical stuff. - Yes.
- 拉炼没拉 - 我要让她有好印象 - Do up your fly. - Aren't we trying to impress her?
- 口袋里放些钱 - 不 - Put some money in your pocket. - I don't need your money.
你要让自己感觉很有信心 It'll make you feel strong.
你在医学院玩了很多很棒的游戏 You do many interesting things in medical school, play fascinating games.
有 "说出器官名称" There's "Name that Organ."
它的形状像游泳池 是肾脏 It's small, shaped like a swimming pool. I'm going to guess kidney.
答对了吗? Am I right?
你不知道他的名字? 我们看同一个小儿科医生8年了 You don't know his name? We've had the same pediatrician for 8 years.
你怎麽会不知道他的名字? How could you not know his name?
我得打电话给经纪人 I have to call my manager.
多高? How high?
她起来了吗? 叫她听 Is she up? Can I talk to her? Would you put her on?
我要知道这星探是谁 There's a talent coordinator here and I want to find out who it is.
海蒂 怎麽了? Heidi, honey.
告诉我怎麽回事? Tell me what's the matter?
什麽时候开始的? When did it start?
高级临床礼节班 "Advanced Bedside Manner."
这堂课教你如何在得知... This class teaches you how not to do a shudder-take...
病人即将死亡时不要颤抖 ...when you know your patient is going to die.
"让我们来看看 刚从实验时拿回来的X光片 "Let's see, we just got these X-rays back from the lab.
来看看..." "Let's take a..."
计程车! Taxi!
窗子摇下来 Roll down the window.
我要回车行了 你要去哪? I'm going to the garage. How far are you going?
- 只有几条街而已 - 好 上来 - Just a couple of blocks down the street. - All right, get in. Come on.
我骗你的 我要去泽西 I lied. I'm going to Jersey.
我知道你的名字和证件号码 哈吉刚萨斯先生 And I've got your name and identification number, Mr. Hadji Gonzales.
载我去我说的地方 否则你就会失业 Take me where I want to go or your job goes right in the crapper.
小姐... Oh, lady.
我每晚都祷告 "I say my prayers each night
让灵魂圣洁一点 "To make my soul a little cleaner
早晨我起床 "Then I get up in the morning
试着开始九天的祈祷 "Try to catch me a novena
我是大家羡慕的对象 "I'm the envy of everyone
尤其是天主教徒 "Especially the Catholics
羡慕吧 尼尔卡特 "Eat your heart out, Nell Carter
因为我嫁给了 "'Cause I'm married to the fella
被钉在十字架上的男人 "who's on the crucifix"
这是报复那婊子的最佳方式 I think this is the perfect way to get back at this tight-assed bitch.
我把那尸体的老二... She'll come in, see this amputated member from the male cadaver...
塞在女尸的两腿间 ...stuck up between the legs of the female cadaver. So I do it.
真的 第二天她看到了 I don't care. She comes in the next day and looks at it.
她说 "你们其中一名男生昨晚匆匆的离开了" She says, "One of you gentlemen left in a hurry last night."
我死了 我完了 I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm laughing.
那是我整学期最精彩的事迹 This is the highlight of my semester.
你真的上过医学院 You really did go to medical school.
对 我爸以为我还在念 Yes. In fact, my father thinks I'm still there.
怎麽回事? How can that be?
他住在芝加哥 我住在这 He lives in Chicago and I live here.
我前室友掩护我 My ex-roommates cover for me.
如果我爸打电话来 我前室友会留话给我 If he calls, they leave me a message on my service, so it all works out.
- 你这样多久了? - 整年都这样 - How long has this been going on? - All year. A full year.
我想可以撑到明年春天 I figure I can hold on till spring.
然後呢? What happens then?
我不知道 I don't know.
希望事情会有转机 I was kind of hoping that something would come along and replace it.
譬如 "爸 我不能当心脏外科医生... Like, "Dad, I'm not going to be a heart surgeon...
不能像你和哥那样 但我要当明星了" "...like you or my brother after all, but I am going to be a star."
对 你要当明星了 Yeah, you are going to be a star.
- 你这麽想? - 当然 - You think so? - Absolutely.
妳的职位能让妳知道? And you're in a position to know about such things?
这就是我的工作 That's what they pay me for.
妳会怎麽做? So what are you going to do?
请人来这里看你 Send someone down here to see you.
- 谁? - 我不能说 - Who? - Can't say.
好 什麽时候? Okay. When?
我不说比较好 I think it's better if I don't tell.
要那麽神秘吗? It's that much of a mystery?
这样生活不是比较有趣吗? Isn't life more fun that way?
我已经来一年半了 Lady, I've been coming down here for eighteen months.
每天都来表演 Eighteen months and I have not missed a night.
我爸给我的钱要支付心理医生和日用品的花费 I take the money that my father sends me, I pay for a shrink and buy groceries.
现在我欠心理医生钱 房租也在追着我 Now, I owe my shrink and I'm behind in my rent.
室友还把锁换掉 我也进不去了 My roommate's changed the locks on my front door. I can't get in.
等我付房租他才要给我钥匙 He won't give me a key until I pay him.
妳想玩游戏吗? 我可以玩 You wanna play games? I can play games.
我会用内裤表演腹语术 I can play ventriloquist with my underwear.
勃起的时候也能射飞镖 I can play darts while maintaining an erection.
还会用洗碗水漱口 用屁生放加拿大国歌 I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time.
我会弹不受欢迎的钢琴曲 I can play the piano without being popular.
有一次还梦见屁股插着电钻 I once dreamt I was dancing with a jackhammer up my ass.
那不是春梦就是我便秘了 That's either a sex dream or I need more fibre in my diet.
如果有任何一样让妳性冲动 请让我知道 If any of this is turning you on, just let me know.
你在开玩笑吗? Is this a joke?
如果要叫人来就快点 If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast...
因为搞笑史帝芬快破产了 ...'cause funny Steve is going under.
在此祝你明天愉快 "Here's hoping your tomorrow is grand
很容幸有机会搏君一笑 "It's been great to entertain you for a while
在你的记忆里 "In your book of memories
记住比利兰恩这名字 "Keep the name Billy Lane
记住这一夜 "Remember this night
微笑 "and smile"
我爱各位 先生女士们 I love you, ladies and gentlemen.
但我今生的最爱 But the love of my life...
是名叫喜剧的小姐 ...is the lady named Comedy.
这个不错 妈 很好笑 This is a really good one, Mom. It's really funny.
真的? Really?
我头发打结了 I got a knot in my hair.
- 帮我一下好吗? - 等一下 - Could you help me? - Just a second.
圣经里最受欢迎的演员是谁? "Who is the most popular actor in the Bible?"
太离谱了 I can't believe it.
就在我需要准时的日子 Mom, it's the one day I needed to be there on time.
告诉她们我睡过头了 Just tell her your mother overslept.
妳想听吗? 妈 Do you want to hear it, Mom?
妳没回来睡觉 You didn't come to bed last night.
我陪海蒂睡 珍妮有回家吗? I sat up with Heidi. Did Jenny even get home?
- 过了半夜才回家 - 别管蛋了 我没时间了 - After midnight. - Forget the eggs, I don't have time.
谁最受欢迎? "Who is the most popular actor in the Bible?"
- 没有咖啡? - 水没了 - Where's the coffee? - There's no water.
- 为什麽? - 浴室有水 - Why is that? - It's on in the bathroom.
妳猜阿 妈 Guess, Mom. Take a guess.
妳今晚打算煮什麽? You intend to cook with bathwater tonight?
有客人要来吃晚餐? Did you forget we have guests for dinner?
早安 妈 妳的头发怎麽了? Morning. Mom, what did you do to your hair?
妳忘了今晚的事 You forgot about tonight.
妳把蛋弄到我头上了 You got egg in my hair.
我两周前就说过了 这客户是教会的人 I told you about it two weeks ago. Walter Robie, the church account.
妳不关心我的生意吗? Or has my business become unimportant to you?
- 今晚? - 今晚又怎麽了? - Tonight? - Something wrong with tonight?
- 我会在苏西家 - 不准 - I'm eating at Susie's. - You're not.
我们要去看电影 It's Friday. We're going to a movie.
- 待在家里 - 谁要来? - You're staying home tonight. - Is someone coming tonight?
我自己弄 Give me the brush, I'll do it.
我就是希望妳自己梳 妳梳得比我好 All right. I want you to do it anyway. You do it much better.
既然海蒂病好了 Since Heidi's feeling better I thought...
妳晚上要出去? You weren't planning on going out tonight?
不 是下午 No. It was this afternoon.
有个拍录影带的家伙... There's this guy who does videotapes...
- 我是说今晚 - 我会做菜 - I'm talking about tonight. - I'm talking about cooking.
- 别吵了 - 我会从苏西家打电话回来 - Stop arguing. - I'll call you from Susie's.
我要妳放学直接回家 妳有听到吗? I want you home from school, you hear me?
- 别闹了! - 妳又不住苏西家 - Cut it out! - You do not live at Susie's house.
每天每晚都会这样吗? Is this going to be every day now? And every night now?
妳本来只是想平衡身心 When you first asked it was to get it out your system.
但妳看看现在 Now look what's happening.
上周就有三个晚上都这样 接下来呢? Three nights last week. How many this week or the next?
闭嘴! Stop it!
- 你要什麽? - 一个老婆 - What do you want? - A wife.
晚上要吃什麽? For dinner? What do you want for dinner?
我忘了运动短裤 I forgot my gym shorts.
不必了 No favours, okay.
我带客户去吃大杰克汉堡 I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack.
或者我可以煮袋通心面 这两个我都很在行 Or we can boil bags of Stouffer's together. I'm good at that.
大杰克汉堡以及通心面 Jumbo Jacks and Stouffer's succotash!
没错 He is.
然後去看我老婆装疯卖傻 After dinner I can go to that hole and watch my wife make a jackass of herself.
- 你根本没看过我的表演 - 那是谁的错? - You've never even seen me. - Whose fault is that?
你说过你会体谅 You said you understood about that.
我不会 I don't.
如果你在场 我无法好好表现 I couldn't be the way I need to be if you were there.
- 无法表现什麽? - 不同之处 - Which is what? - Different.
- 跟哪里不同? - 我在家里的样子 - From what? - From what I am right here.
妳在家里有什麽不对? What's wrong with what you are here?
- 我的短裤呢? - 在凯莉的抽屉 - Who took my gym shorts? - They're in Carrie's drawer.
- 怎麽会在那里? - 卡萝放的 - What are they doing in Carrie's drawer? - Coral put them there.
那些客人想见我的家人 These people I've invited want to meet my family.
教会的人就是这样 That's the way church people are.
他们喜欢我的家人 我就有生意可做 If they like your family, they do business with you.
他们有17家教堂要投保 杰瑞和我需要那生意 They have 17 churches I could insure, and Jerry and I need the business.
邦妮就会为杰瑞的客户做菜 Now Bunny does this for Jerry. She cooks for clients.
- 几点? - 6点半 - What time? - 6:30.
- 我会在家 - 谢谢 - I'll be here. - Thank you.
- 不客气 - 卡萝 - You're welcome. - Carrie.
我需要午餐钱 I need lunch money.
- 我也要钱 - 我的皮夹... - I need money, too. - My wallet, it's...
- 在哪里? - 我有二十块 - Where is it? - I've got $20.
去银行之前我需要五十块 I need $50 till I get to the bank.
我有一块 I have $1.
莱拉? Lilah?
那是我存的钱 It was my money. I saved it.
在哪里? 莱拉? Where is it? Lilah?
我花掉了 I spent it.
花在哪? On what?
我需要的东西 Something I needed.
五百元? 你买了什麽? $500? What did you buy?
笑话 Jokes.
这好像跟该死的吸毒者住在一起 This is like living with a goddamn junkie.
家庭危机 回头见 Family crisis. See you later.
- 好笑吗? - 不是很好笑 - Were they good? - Not very.
我们计划拿这笔钱去渡假 We were going to go away with that money.
妳说妳存钱是要让我们两个可以去渡假 You said you were saving it so the two of us could get away.
我有一个笑话 妈 妳可以免费拿去 I've got one, Mom. You can have it for free.
对不起 I'm sorry.
不是我不希望妳快乐 莱拉 It's not that I don't want you to be happy, Lilah.
我只是不知道怎麽办 I just don't know what the hell to do.
妈 再见 'Bye, Mom.
- 答案是参孙 - 什麽? - The answer is Samson. - What?
他是圣经里最後欢迎的演员 知道为什麽吗? He's the most popular actor in the Bible. Know why?
我不知道 亲爱的 No, sweetheart, I don't know why.
因为他赢得满堂彩 'Cause he brought the house down.
我想这笑话太幼稚了 I guess it's not grown-up enough.
少来了 那个小姐爱死我了 Look, Randy, don't be a prick. The lady's crazy about me.
她今晚会带星探来看我 She's bringing the main guy to see me tonight.
所以去他的房租 我要发财了 Screw the back rent, man, I'm gonna be rich.
今晚有人要发掘我了 I'm going to get discovered tonight.
不 我不能... 好 Yeah. No, I can't... I don't... What?
我中午在皇后区有表演 All right. I'm doing a nooner in Queens today.
我可以给你一百块 I can give you $100, but that's it.
不无法给你六百块 I can't give you $600.
我他妈的哪来的六百块? Where the fuck am I going to get $600?
把音响卖掉 我不管 So sell the fucking stereo, I don't care.
如果你不许我进来 帮个忙... If you're gonna lock me out of my own house, just do me a favour...
帮我喂窗边的小鸟 ...feed the birds outside the window.
拿你的食物给它们吃 Give them some of your food. That's what I did.
蓝迪 不要... 去你的! 真是混蛋 Don't... Fuck you! What an asshole!
- 你认识卖笑话的阿诺吗? - 认识 - Do you know some guy named Arnold? - Yeah.
- 卖笑话的? - 认识 怎样? - Sells jokes? - Yes, why?
我在找他 I'm looking for him.
- 你要买笑话? - 我要卖 - You want to buy some jokes? - Sell some.
你已经那麽厉害了? You've gotten that good, have you?
我要把买来的卖还给他 Back. Sell some back.
没用吗? They didn't work.
用在我身上没用 No, not for me they didn't.
妳只是找错人买了 A joke's a joke, babe. You just bought from the wrong guy.
派多 来点难吃的东西 想吃午餐吗? Pedro, give me something awful. Are you having lunch?
- 好 - 义大利面特餐? - Sure. - Spaghetti special?
难吃的可以 给这位夫人来一份 Sounds awful enough for me. One for the lady.
- 你认得我吗? - 当然 怎麽了? - Do you recognise me? - Of course. Why?
我不知道 你通常没这麽有善 I don't know. You aren't usually this nice.
告诉妳一个秘密 I'll tell you a secret about me.
我看到台上有人表演得很好的话就会忌妒 I get jealous when I see somebody who's got it up on stage. I can't help it.
- 我吗? - 对 - Me? - Yeah, you.
选对题材 妳也会很棒的 Five minutes of the right material, you'd be un-fucking-believable.
妳不错 大家喜欢妳的表演 You've got that thing. People love you on stage. You know that.
- 你说真的? - 妳只要找到好的笑料 - You mean it? - All you need is the right gags. So...
我尝试自己写笑话 像是昨晚... I try to write my own jokes. Like last night...
我们可以互相帮忙 What are we here for but to help each other out?
- 你愿意帮我? - 对 - You'd be willing to do this for me? - Sure.
妳是哪里人? 泽西? Where are you from? Jersey?
- 泽西? - 对 泽西 - Jersey? - Yeah, I'm from Jersey.
- 有小孩吗? - 有 3个 - Do you have any kids? - I've got three kids.
- 3个孩子 很好 - 我个感觉是... - Three kids, great. - My feeling is that...
- 阿诺收妳多少钱? - 五百 - What did this Arnold guy charge you? - $500.
这数目差不多 Okay. All right. This is the right ballpark.
泽西 3个孩子 有意思 Jersey, three kids, there's something there...
我不能马上付给你 I couldn't pay you right away.
我会付 只是不能马上付 I mean, I could pay you. I just couldn't pay you right away.
煮义大利面要多久? How long does spaghetti take?
如果我找到阿诺就马上付给你 If I could find Arnold, I could pay you right away.
算了 Yeah, forget it. It's all right.
我花掉我和老公的渡假基金 Look, I spent my vacation money. My husband's and mine.
你知道什麽对妳最重要 You've got your priorities then.
拿钱去渡假 别管笑话了 So spend your money on your vacation and don't worry about jokes.
我的意思是 如果这对妳不是那麽重要的话... I mean, if it's not that important to you.
对我非常重要 It's very important to me.
妳为什麽需要? What do you need it for?
问我的心理医生 Ask my shrink.
起司 起司 Jeez. Cheese!
- 你不是说真的 - 我是 - You didn't mean it, did you? - Yes, I did.
我很厉害? That I've got something?
我能卖笑话给你 要吗? That I would sell you jokes. Do you want to buy some?
我不跟你买 混帐 Not from you, you piece of crap.
你何必这样对别人? How do you get off treating people like this?
你的名字又没多响亮 I don't see your name up in lights over there.
就算你很会搞笑 那又怎样? So what if you're funny? If that's all you are, so what? Jesus.
难怪你每天都在那里 你根本没事可做 No wonder you're there every night. You've nothing else to do. That's it.
派多 留着那盘义大利面 Pedro, hold the spaghetti.
给这位夫人睾丸沙拉 强悍女人特餐 Bring this lady that testicle salad. That ball-buster special.
有附叉子的那种 You know, the one with the fork.
如果是你的睾丸 我得拿镊子 If they're yours, I'll need a pair of tweezers.
我知道你会喜欢 I thought you'd like that.
一切事物对你都是笑话 Everything's a great big joke to you.
夫人 对我来说什麽都不是笑话 Lady, nothing is a joke to me.
所以我能上台说笑... That's why I do stand-up comedy.
而妳不能 妳的面一块半 And that's why you don't. Yours is $1.50.
等等 Wait.
- 什麽意思? - 拜托 夫人 - What did you mean? - Oh, lady, please.
你说什麽都不是笑话 这是什麽意思? You said nothing was a joke to you. What do you mean?
我还要去其他地方 我快迟到了 I have to be somewhere. I'm late.
难道是因为你不喜欢女人吗? 我见到你帮了波尔先生 You don't like women? I see you help Mr. Ball.
- 他有胆量 - 我没有吗? - Mr. Ball's got guts. - And I don't?
妳脸皮很厚 妳还说黄色笑话 You've got gall, not guts. You stand up, you tell dirty jokes.
那是妳吗? 妳是性爱狂吗? What does it have to do with you? Are you a sexpot?
妳是有邋遢小孩的家庭主妇 Give me a break. You're a Jersey housewife with snot-nosed kids.
更不用说还有辆破车 A car that won't start. Tell me about that.
那需要妳所没有的胆量 懂吗? That's what takes guts, and you don't have it. Am I being clear?
- 我有赢得笑声 - 那就把它们带回家吧 - I've gotten laughs. - Fine. Then take them and go home.
我要学 I want to learn.
每晚都要去 一天跑六场 Lady, it takes every night. Six clubs a night. All night.
还有单身派对和俱乐部 Working stag parties and Elks Club banquets, opening for an accordion player.
我没有时间 I don't have time for all that.
那就现在跟我到皇后区学点东西 How about now? I'm going to Queens. You wanna come learn something?
- 你是说真的吗? - 对 妳呢? - Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious. Are you?
- 我... - 我想大概是不行 - I... - I guess not.
我要准备晚宴 I'm cooking for a dinner party.
看吧 就说妳不行 Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.
万一不好笑呢? 你叫我谈自己的生活 What if it isn't funny? You tell me to talk about my life.
万一我的生活不好笑呢? What if my life isn't funny?
我们的生活都很好笑 我们是上帝画的卡通人物 All of our lives are funny, babe. We're God's animated cartoons.
你老公呢? What about your husband?
- 你老公一定很好笑 - 才怪 - There's gotta be some laughs there. - Not mine.
- 他干哪一行的? - 卖保险的 - I bet there is. What does he do? - Sells insurance.
- 妳说得没错 妳的孩子呢? - 3个女儿 - You win. How about your kids? - Three girls.
好 可以 多大? Okay. All right. Big, little, what?
幼稚园? 有保母吗? Nursery school, babysitters maybe?
我4点前没到家就得找保母 God, they're gonna need one if I'm not home by 4:00.
- 这很好笑 - 这不好笑 - That's funny. - There's nothing funny in that.
她们会自己在家 The maid'll leave and they'll be alone.
喜剧 保母是谁? Think comedy. Who's the babysitter?
街尾的小孩 This kid that lives down the street.
- 喜剧 他的名字 - 我不知道 - Comedy. What's their name? - I don't know.
- 他叫什麽名字? - 查理曼森 - Comedy. What's their name? - Charlie Manson.
- 这很好笑 - 好笑? - All right, that's funny. - That's funny?
妳刚写了一个笑话 查理曼森保母 You just wrote a joke. Yes. Charlie Manson, the babysitter.
这很好笑 继续 加油... Yes, that's funny! Keep going with it. Go.
亲爱的 他又在她们的额头画X字 Honey, he's put X's on their foreheads again.
如果他没空就找另一个男生 If he's busy, then we use this other nice boy.
大卫柏科维 Davie Berkowitz.
他对狗很有一套 He's so good with dogs.
谁是大卫柏科维? Who's Davie Berkowitz?
大卫柏科维 山姆的儿子 You know, Davie Berkowitz, Son of Sam.
大卫柏科维 他会跟狗说话 You know, Davie Berkowitz. He talks to dogs.
曼森很好笑 柏科维不好笑 Manson is funny. Berkowitz is not.
我以为那满好笑的 I thought that was sort of funny.
曼森很好笑 Manson is funny.
柏科维不好笑 Berkowitz is not.
好吧 All right.
另一个游戏是... Another game is...
另一个游戏是 "药量加倍" Another game is "Double up on the Medication."
你将药丸放在舌下 You put the pill under your tongue...
当他们去检查时 ...and when they return to check on you...
你坚称药不在杯子里 "它不在杯子里 ...you insist it wasn't in the cup. "It wasn't in the cup.
没有药丸 把药给我 "There's no pill there. You give me my medication.
我病了 看到没?" "I'm sick. You see?"
塞栓剂的病人应该放弃这招 Those of you who are taking suppositories might want to pass on that whole thing.
有问题? 你从头到尾一直举手 What? Do you have a question? Your hand has been up since I got here.
病得很严重 This is probably a very debilitating illness.
你做什麽工作? What is your occupation?
我是看门人 I'm a doorman.
看门人? 所以你招计程车? You're a doorman? So, like, you hail taxis?
对 那就是我的工作 That's what I do, yes.
这是很好的训练器材 This is like a good training device then.
你应该出院 You're fine. You should get out of this hospital.
打点滴一定很痛 It must be painful having this IV hooked up.
- 根本不会 - 完全不痛? - Not at all. - No pain at all?
那是他的 不是我的 No, that's not mine, that's his.
我看看 天啊 没错 Son of a gun. Let me see this thing. Good God, it is. What have we got here?
今天的午餐 草莓果冻 You're getting your lunch today. We have some strawberry Jell-O.
义大利面沙拉葡萄糖 It's that pasta salad dextrose.
主菜是肝和洋葱 What's your main course today? Liver and onions.
就算对血液来说也太不健康了 Boy, even in the bloodstream that's some pretty nasty stuff.
我猜她是护士 Here's a nurse. I'm just guessing.
没错 You're right.
让她擦澡必定是一大享受 A sponge bath from this woman would really be paradise.
你们看 这里有个医生 一个犹太医生 Look, a doctor here, folks. Son of a gun. A Jewish doctor.
纽约难得看得到 Something you don't see very often in a New York City hospital.
- 你是医生? - 是的 - You are a doctor, sir? - Yes, I'm a doctor.
你是哪一科的? And what is your field of speciality?
这是我的第一年 我还不知道 This is my first year. I don't know yet.
可以推荐你从事焊接吗? Could I recommend a career in welding, perhaps?
只是建议而已 Just a suggestion.
喜欢吗? 你喜欢? You liked that? You liked that one?
- 你叫什麽名字? - 山姆 - What is your name, sir? - Sam.
你是个开心的人 山姆 You're a happy guy, Sam.
他们灌什麽到你的鼻孔? What are they pumping into your nostrils?
这是什麽? 你脸色怎麽发青了 山姆 What is this concoction? You're turning blue, Sam.
怎麽回事? 你脸色都发青了 Why is that? You're turning blue.
天啊 我站在他的通气管上 Good God, I'm standing on his air hose.
对不起 I'm sorry.
你快没气了 我也是 You're running out of air. And so am I.
各位 你们是很棒的观众 真的 Folks, you have been a great audience. Really.
很棒的观众 You've been a good audience.
你们也很病态 You've been a sick audience, folks.
谢谢 早日康复 各位 But thank you very much, everybody. Get well, everybody.
你表现得很好 You were really good.
谢谢 Thank you. That's very nice of you.
你实在太棒了 You were terrific.
- 谢谢妳的赞美 - 谢谢 - Thank you. That's very nice of you. - Thank you.
上周如何? What about last week?
我想是六万 I think it was 60,000.
四万五 45,000.
四万五? 45,000?
我知道了 I see.
这样是好的 That's good.
计程车! Taxi! Oh, God!
计程车! Taxi!
等等! Wait! Oh, my God.
计程车! Taxi!
这里停 Okay, stop right here.
哈罗! Hello!
哈罗? Hello?
我回来了! I'm home!
别靠近我 我回来了 Don't come near me! I'm home.
- 妈 妳在干什麽? - 怎麽了? - What are you doing? What's the matter? - Where are you going?
我爱妳们 别档路 I love you. Stay out of my way.
- 珍妮呢? - 去看电影 - Where's Jenny? - At the movies.
看电影? 好 很好 At the movies? All right, that's it.
她被禁足了 再让我看到她 就别想出门 She's grounded. If I ever see her again, she's grounded.
妳们两个快去换漂亮衣服 I want the two of you to go and put your nice dresses on.
好吗? 还在干嘛? 快去! 穿上漂亮的衣服! All right? Okay? What are you doing? Go! Put your nice dresses on.
快去! Go on, now, put them on!
帮我! Help me!
她说快一点 She said, "Hurry!" Come on.
我的鞋子呢? Where are my shoes?
天哪! Oh, my God!
我的裤袜呢? I can't find my tights.
天哪! Oh, my God!
孩子们 快 走了 Girls, come on! Let's go!
- 干嘛用跑的? - 我扣不到扣子 - Why are we running? - I can't button this dress.
妈 可以帮我一下吗? 妈 帮我! Will you help me with my hose? Mom! Help me!
妳们要互相帮忙 You two are just going to have to help each other.
天啊! Oh, Jesus!
让开! 让开! Out of my way! Out of my way!
海蒂 接住 Heidi, go long.
小心 Heads up.
放到面包篮里! 餐具柜 Bread basket! Pantry.
- 拿着! - 怎样? - Carry! - Yeah?
不 凯莉 过来这里帮我拿 No, "carry." Come here. Help me carry.
拿大盘子 有人要拿豌豆 Take the big platter. There you are. Somebody man the peas.
海蒂 拿豆子 Heidi, the peas.
凯莉 一个盘子放一条餐巾 Carrie, napkins. One on each plate. Here we go.
海蒂 把面包撕开 Heidi, break the bread.
凯莉 点火柴 Carrie, light a match.
放中间 点火柴 Spoons. Centrepiece. Light that match.
客厅! Living room!
客厅! 凯莉 把花架上的东西拿走 Living room! Carrie, get your things off the planter.
- 我要放哪? - 拿走 - What should I do with them? - Get rid of them.
拿走 Here, get rid of it.
- 鱼缸怎麽了? - 别管了 - What happened to the fish tank? - Don't say that again.
水变少了 But the water went down.
我叫妳别管了 I told you not to say that.
孩子们 Kids.
亲爱的 Yes, dear?
我的家人 My family.
晚安 Good evening.
黑色金鱼不见了 The black goldfish is missing.
是 我还在 Yes, I'm still holding.
不能让她听电话吗? Why don't you just put me through to her? I don't...
什麽餐厅? What restaurant?
她说会带一个男士来俱乐部见我 She told me herself that she was bringing a gentleman down to the club to see me.
俱乐部 加油站 The club: The Gas Station.
好吧 All right.
请你留言给她 Would you give her that message...
请她打来这里 ...and have her please call me down here?
加油站 谢谢 换你们打了 The Gas Station. Thank you. Phone is free.
牧师 你在纽泽西出生吗? Were you born in New Jersey, Reverend Young?
是的 Yes.
我也是 So was I.
- 我也是 我们都是 - 一起的 - So was I. We both were. - Together.
我们没有一起出生 We weren't born together.
- 再来点酒? - 好 - Care for some more wine? - Yes.
我有个新笑话 妈 I got a new joke, Mom.
真的吗 宝贝? You do, baby?
我想应该够成熟了 I think it's grown-up enough.
- 我想肯定是的 - 她喜欢说笑话 - I'm sure it is, sweetheart. - She loves to tell jokes.
卡萝跟我说的 Coral told it to me.
真的? Did she, dear?
说了些什麽 Tell it, Heidi.
一个杂种跟另一个杂种说了什麽? What did one cocksucker say to the other?
- 滚回家! - 贝琪罗斯说 "我有13颗星星..." - Go home! - Betsy Ross says, "I have 13 stars."
听着 这个很好笑 我们班上爱死了 Would you listen to this? This is funny. My class loves this.
你知道她今晚在哪吗? Do you have any idea where she is tonight? Is this her service?
她有计画到加油站吗? Do you know, did she plan to come down to The Gas Station tonight?
谁要来? 经济人吗? Who you got coming? An agent?
跟她说史帝芬高德有打来 Okay, no, never... Just tell her that Steven Gold called...
我还在等她和那位先生 ...and that I'm still expecting her and the gentleman at the club. Thank you.
如果有星探来 你应该告诉我们 If you have a talent scout coming, you're supposed to tell.
- 那不是星探 - 那是谁打来的? - I don't have a talent scout coming, Albert. - Really? Who tried to call?
- 有人打电话给我? - 我听说是这样 - Did somebody try to call me? - That's what I heard.
- 有我的电话吗? - 有 - Did I have a call? - Yeah.
- 你怎麽没告诉我? - 我找不到你 - Why didn't you tell me? - I couldn't find you.
- 是谁? - 不知道 - Who was it? What did you say? - I don't know.
他想知道你的表演时间 He wanted to know when you perform and what time you go on.
所以是星探 So it is a talent scout.
你跟他说什麽? He's coming down. What did you tell him?
你每天都有表演 可以再打来 I told him you're here every night and if he wants to know what time, to call back.
- 他会在打来? - 他说 "谢谢" - He said he'd call back? - He said, "Thank you."
- 他会来? - 不知道 - But he said he'd come? - Don't know.
- 把这些写下来 - 走开 - Why don't you write these things down? - Why don't you take a hike?
那是谁? 跟我说是谁 我会注意的 Who is it? Just tell me who it is and I'll watch for him.
听着 这真的很好笑 If you listen, it's going to be real funny.
乔治华盛顿下马... Now, George Washington gets off his white horse and...
乔治华盛顿最烂了 George Washington sucks.
先生 你有你老婆的裸照吗? You, sir, do you have any naked pictures of your wife?
开玩笑的 Only kidding.
没见过这种家庭 No more than anyone else who has a family.
- 什麽意思? - 我的意思? - What do you mean? - What do I mean?
你要怎样? What do you want?
- 我要能引以为傲的家庭 - 引以为傲的家庭 像谁? - Just a family I can be proud of. - A family you can be proud of. Like who?
- 邦妮和杰瑞吗? - 邦妮和杰瑞吗 - And don't tell me Bunny and Jerry. - Bunny and Jerry.
去他的邦妮和杰瑞 Fuck Bunny and Jerry.
妳干嘛讲粗话? Why do you use language like that? Don't use language like that.
难怪女儿嘴巴说话像马桶 No wonder your daughters talk like toilets.
- 像马桶? - 妳知道我的意思 - "Talk like toilets"? - You know what I'm talking about.
你想要怎样? What do you want?
- 好好当个母亲 - 我是 - Just be a mother. - I am a mother.
- 不是依照我的定义 - 我依照我的 - Not by my definition. - I am by my definition.
一位母亲晚上会跟家人在一起 A mother stays with her children at night.
- 除非她要工作 - 而且要有薪水 - Unless she works. - Unless she gets paid to work.
- 如果她够幸运的话 - 或者够厉害的话 - Unless she's lucky enough. - Unless she's good enough.
- 我够厉害 - 不 莱拉 妳不好笑 - I am good enough. - You're not, Lilah. You're not funny.
你再说一次我就离开这个家 You say that to me one more time and I'm going to leave this house.
- 我说的事实话 - 我要走了! - You can't stand the truth. - I'm out!
我又没有说 I didn't say it!
- 我要走了 - 我会说的 - I'm out of here! - All right, I will say it.
要走的那个女人不会搞笑 The woman who lives in this house is not funny.
那边的那个女人不会搞笑 That woman, there in the dark, is not funny.
- 我要离开这里! - 她的笑话没人笑 - I'm out of here! - No one laughs at that woman!
那个女人不会搞笑 That woman is not funny!
是我弄坏的 我会赔的 I broke your deal. Sorry. I'll have to pay for it.
- 怎麽了? - 没事 - What's the matter with you? - Nothing.
有人问你何时上场 There's people upstairs asking for you. They wanna know what time you go on.
他们好像是重要人物 They look like heavyweights. Who are they?
天啊 她为我做到了 Jesus, she came through for me.
谁为你做到了? Who came through for you?
- 他们是谁? - 他们是电视台的人 - Who are they? - They're network people.
- 电视台的人? - 今晚再给我表演20分钟 - "Network people"? - Give me another 20-minute set tonight.
冷静点 我要跟你谈谈 Calm down. I want to have a nice talk with you.
- 晚点再说 - 听着 - Later. - Listen.
让我静一静 Leave me alone for a minute.
那就是重点 你不必静下来 That's the whole point. You don't have to be alone.
拳击手在角落都有人帮他 Even a prize-fighter has someone in his corner.
别这样 我认识这些人 Come on now, I know these people.
利用我吧 Use me. I can handle them.
表演结束後让我来招待他们 Let me entertain them after the show.
他们只会来一次 They're only going to come in here once.
让我帮你一次搞定 Let me help you make tonight count.
好 Okay.
- 好? - 我说好 - "Okay"? - I said okay.
- 我说的是经济代理权 - 对 - We're talking agent? - You're my agent.
- 永久经济人? - 对 - Permanent agent? - Whatever.
要立约的 In writing?
好 什麽时候上场 In writing. When can I go on?
现在如何? How about now?
- 别紧张 放轻松 - Just take it easy and relax. Relax. - All right.
- 史帝芬? - 别烦我 - Steven? - Don't bother me, all right?
别烦他 Don't bother him.
观众怎麽样? How's the house?
- 好观众吗? - 热情得不得了 - Good crowd. - A sensational crowd.
- 好 - 放轻松 准备好了吗? - Okay. - Just relax. You ready?
- 他们在哪? - 在前面 - You'll point him out? - Sure. He's down the front.
深呼吸 Just take a deep breath.
- 叫亚柏下来 - 我看得出来他快结束了 - You gonna get Albert off for me? - He's almost finished.
他们在哪? Where are they?
第三桌 左边 白发的 迷死他们 Third table, left. Grey hair. Kill them.
你们真是一流的观众 You guys have been a nice audience and Lenny wants to come up here.
记得来看我的新片 "被遗忘的落花生" Please see my new movie. It's called, Goober, the Forgotten Pile.
该死! 罗密欧 Shit! Romeo.
各位 亚柏安皮拉托 Albert Emperato, ladies and gentlemen.
我想正经一点 I'd like to settle down and get serious for a moment.
因为我很荣幸... I want to introduce you to someone...
有机会将下一位培养成巨星 ...that I've had the privilege of nurturing along on the road to stardom.
我在这一行 You know, I've been in this business a long time.
看着许多喜剧演员来来去去 I've seen comics come and go, and sometimes you see somebody...
有些人能历久不衰 ...that goes right to the top and they stay there.
这位年轻人也是一样 This young gentleman is not unlike that.
我每个月都让他上台 I've had him on this stage month after month...
因为我知道 他会发光发亮 ...because I knew one day his star was going to shine.
我没甚麽好说的了 不过 There is very little else I can say about him except that...
他就像是我的儿子 ...he's like a son to me.
让我们热烈欢迎史帝芬高德 Let's have a nice warm welcome for Steven Gold.
上来吧 史帝芬 Come on up here, Steven.
他要人家哄 He wants to be coaxed. Come on.
史帝芬 上来 Steven, come on up here. Come on.
他有点害羞 掌声大一点 He's a little shy. Let's give him a big hand.
史帝芬高德 Steven Gold!
这才对 史帝芬 That a boy, Steven! At last.
我叫... My name is...
你们知道我是谁 You know who I am.
有没有人从... Anyone here from...
喜剧演员这麽说是不是很烦? Don't you hate it when comics do that?
那表示他们无话可说 It means that they don't know what else to say.
有谁不是本地人吗? 就是你 好 Anyone from out of town? Here you go. Okay.
好 Yeah.
- 你是哪里人? - 威斯康辛州的绿湾 - You sir, where are you from? - Green Bay, Wisconsin.
不太好笑 There's nothing funny about that.
在这里玩得开心吗? What are you doing while you're in town? You having fun?
开心 直到现在 Until now.
很好笑 That's funny.
这家伙不赖 This guy's all right.
那是你老婆吗? Is that your wife with you, sir?
我女儿 My daughter.
那就行不通了 That's not gonna work.
我本来想问你有没有她的裸照 I was going to ask if you had any naked pictures of her.
- 不过大概行不通了 - 对 行不通 - That won't work now, will it? - No, that's not going to work.
对 行不通 No, that won't work.
我有家人坐在观众席里 I have some people in the audience.
不骗你们 今晚实在很沉重 I'm not going to kid around with you people. This is a heavy night.
今晚真的很沉重 This is a real heavy night.
我以为今晚我会被发现 I thought I was going to get discovered tonight.
结果成真了 And that is exactly what happened.
我被发现了 I did.
这是个私人笑话 That was a private joke.
我是喜剧演员 所以我会公开... And I'm a comedian, so I'll go public with these jokes...
我父亲是医生 My father is a doctor.
我还是学生时... When I was a student...
我功课很差 但那并未阻止我的医生老爸 ...I was a really bad student, but that didn't stop my dad, the doctor...
千方百计把我弄进医学院 ...pulling a lot of strings to get me into med school.
没人在乎我讨厌看到血 Even though it didn't seem to matter to anybody that I couldn't stand the sight of blood.
有一次他对我大吼 因为... In fact, I once got yelled at because...
我不肯拿钩子穿过一条小鱼 ...during a fishing trip, I wouldn't take the hook and put it through a minnow.
我不肯害它脑部受伤或视外凸 I didn't want to give it cerebral contusions. I didn't want to give it optical poptitude
知道什麽叫视外凸吗? 就是眼球外凸 You know what optical poptitude is? It's bulging eyeballs, so...
这有好笑的地方 There's something funny in here.
我要找出好笑的地方 I'm gonna find something funny in here, so
我已经不知道什麽好笑了 I don't know what's funny anymore...
所以觉得好笑的时候... 就笑 ...so could you just laugh any time that you feel anything funny? Just feel...
我要说些医学院的事 Let me tell you about medical school.
千万别让他们知道... You can't make the mistake of letting them know...
如果你很容易呕吐 他们闻得出来 ...that you're squeamish about things because they smell it on you.
有一次我跟实验室的女同学说... I once made the mistake of telling this female lab partner...
我受不了看到动物惨遭蹂躏 ...that I couldn't stand to see things suffer...
就像我们解剖的青蛙那样 ...like little frogs, that we'd have to dissect.
接着她拿着一根... 探针 And she took this thing. It's called a probe.
前端开岔的 她挖出青蛙的眼睛 It's like a prong. And she plucked out this frog's eye...
然後轻轻一弹 眼球就弹到了我的脖子上 ...and she flicked it at me and it stuck on my neck.
我觉得那很好笑 I think that's pretty funny.
我爸是个彪形大汉 他会射杀鹿 My dad is this big macho guy and he shoots deer and shit like that.
而我却是怕血的小孩 I'm this kid who can't stand the sight of blood.
芝加哥本来有鹿的 They used to have deer in Chicago...
结果都被我爸和我哥杀光了 ...until my brother and father gunned them all down.
他们杀了小鹿斑比的妈妈 These are the guys who killed Bambi's mom.
等等 我还没说死猫的事 Wait a minute. I didn't tell you about the dead cat.
我还没说死猫的事! I haven't told you about the dead cat!
我的室友没事就放只死猫在我床上 My fucking roommates put this dead cat in my bed all the time.
天啊 谁可以来救我! Someone help me! Christ!
注意了 宝贝 Check it out, baby.
别烦我 Leave me alone.
回家去! No! Go home!
他妈的别烦我! Just leave me the fuck alone!
没事的 You're all right.
我哥到图书馆温习 So my brother would be down in the library studying...
我就跑到阁楼... ...and I would be upstairs in the attic...
从头到脚用锡箔纸包起来 ...covering myself in tin foil, from head to toe.
假装是... 自己心目中的超级英雄 Making up these superheroes of my own.
锡箔超人 You know, Tin Foil Man.
瓦片小子 Shingle Kid. You know.
还有... 会让我朋友笑的东西 Stuff to make my friends laugh...
但在家的时候... 我一向都不好笑 ...but at home, you know, I was never funny.
我过去会让所有人大笑 I used to make everybody laugh.
连我老公也不例外 Even my husband.
天啊 我们以前充满欢笑 God, we used to laugh.
结果? So?
怎麽了? What happened?
我不知道 I don't know.
孩子或是他的工作 The kids or his job.
我 Me.
我不知道 I don't know.
那妳怎麽不离开他? So why don't you leave him?
我明早要开共乘汽车 (与别人合夥使用的汽车 以节省费用) I've got carpool in the morning.
听起来他像个无赖 He sounds like a prick.
他整天工作 晚上还照顾孩子 He works all day, comes home and takes care of the kids all night.
他听起来像个圣人 He sounds like a saint.
他不是不对 He's not wrong.
我不知道 I don't know.
也许我该放弃 我不知道 Maybe I should quit. I don't know.
放弃表演? 妳不能放弃 What? Quit stand-up? No, you can't do that.
为什麽? Why not?
因为妳很会搞笑 Because you're funny.
妳还没抓到窍门 I mean, you don't know how to get to it yet...
但是妳满会搞笑的 ...you haven't figured that out, but you're funny.
别跟我开玩笑 Look, don't kid me about this, all right?
我跟女人什麽都能随便说说 I'll say anything to a woman and not mean it.
我会说我爱她 I'll say I love her.
我会说她很美 很性感 I'll say she's beautiful. I'll say she's sexy.
但我不会开搞笑的玩笑 I don't mess around with "funny."
好极了 真的好极了 Yeah, this is great. This is really great, you know.
- 什麽? - 太棒了 - What? - Wonderful.
- 什麽? - 真是太棒了 - What? - Just wonderful. Look.
我结婚了 I'm a married woman.
- 所以呢? - 我比你大10岁 - So? - I'm 10 years older than you. I gotta go.
- 所以呢? 等等莱拉 - 我要走了 - So? Wait, Lilah. - I gotta go.
别这样 义大利风情点 Come on, be Italian.
什麽意思? What does that mean?
我还希望妳会知道 I was hoping you would know.
我真的要走了 I gotta go. I really gotta go.
妳已经有麻烦了 今晚跟我一起混 You're in trouble already. So hang out with me tonight.
我教妳怎麽搞笑 I'll teach you something about being funny.
- 我不行 - 妳可以 - I can't. - Yes, you can.
跟人群说话 You just want to talk to the crowd.
- 请停车 谢谢 - 我需要笑话 - Pull over here. Thank you. - I need my jokes.
- 跟人群说话 - 跟人群说话? - You talk to the crowd. - "Talk to the crowd"?
- 我不想 - 那样妳才能获得题材 - I don't want to. - They help you develop material.
- 我做不到 - 妳会有收获的 - No, I just simply can't do it... - You're gonna learn now.
- 下来! - 好啦 - Come on! - All right. God Almighty!
别对我吼 我没有什麽要说的 You don't have to yell at me. I have nothing to say.
有 妳有 关於地下铁的 Yes, you do. The subway.
- 什麽地下铁? - 记得地下铁 - What subway? - Remember the subway.
我不记得什麽地下铁 I don't remember the subway nor what it looks like.
【现场脱口秀】
嗨 我是莱拉 Hi, I'm Lilah...
我不知道自己在干嘛 ...and I don't know what I'm doing.
今晚我不准用自己的笑话 I'm not allowed to use my jokes tonight, so...
所以我想说我是个家庭主妇 我承认这点 So I'll tell you I'm a housewife. I'll admit to that.
我有3个孩子 And I have three kids.
我住在纽泽西 And I live in New Jersey.
你看 我什麽都承认了 So, you see, I'll admit to anything.
- 妳的孩子呢? - 什麽? - Where are your kids? - What?
- 妳的孩子呢? - 在家里 - Where are your kids? - Home.
- 谁照顾她们? - 我老公 - Who's looking after them? - My husband.
如果他没空呢? What if your husband's not available?
妳有请保母吗? Do you have a babysitter?
查尔斯曼森 Charles Manson.
如果他很忙 会找另一个孩子 And then if he's busy you use that other nice boy down the street.
大卫柏科维 他对狗很有一套 Davie Berkowitz. He's so good with the dog.
好吧 不好笑 杀了我吧 All right, it's not funny. Okay. So shoot me.
我要拿... All right, I'm just gonna grab the...
这个人在笑 All right, this man over here is laughing.
- 你叫什麽名字? - 鲍伯 - What is your name, sir? - Bob.
鲍伯 你做什麽的? Bob. And what do you do?
我是行销顾问 I'm a marketing consultant.
行销顾问? "Marketing consultant"?
你是行销顾问? You're a marketing consultant?
鲍伯 可以耽误你一点时间吗? Bob, could I consult with you for one minute?
每次我推手推车时 为什麽有一个轮子总是... Whenever I get a cart, why is it that one wheel always goes...
像这样... 撞进罐头堆里 ...like this, and pulls to the right, right into the canned goods?
我很想知道原因 I've wondered about it, haven't you?
这位小姐在笑了 This lady is laughing here.
妳对农产品有问题吧? You have a problem with produce, don't you?
妳一定有 妳把手放在那位先生的膝盖上了 I think you must. You have your hand in that gentleman's lap, I think.
今晚是职业之夜 因为每个人的生活都很有趣 So, tonight it's going to be career night, because everybody's life is funny.
我们都是上帝的卡通人物 Trust me on this. We are all God's little animated cartoons.
这位先生 This gentleman right here.
- 你叫什麽名字? - 莫瑞 - Sir, what's your name? - Murray.
莫瑞 你生活很有趣 Murray, trust me on this one. Your life is funny.
- 做什麽的? - 卖保险的 - What do you do? - I'm an insurance salesman.
保险业物员? You're an insurance salesman?
想过要改行吗? Did you ever want to be anything else?
跟我一起回想 Think back with me.
你现在是个孩子 现在是万圣节 You're a small child. You're dressing up. It's Halloween.
别人是警察 消防队员 蒙面侠... All the other boys, they're firemen, policemen, they're Zorro or Batman.
而备受妈妈呵护的小莫瑞是... And cute little Murray, whose mother adores him, is a...
保险业务员 An insurance salesman.
保险业务员? 莫瑞 这是不可能的 "An insurance salesman"? Murray, this can't be true.
你万圣节打扮就是穿聚酯纤维西装? 递名片给别人? You dressed up in a polyester suit and you handed out business cards?
这是婚前女子派对吗? 看看妳手上有什麽? This is a bachelorette party? So, could I see what you've got here?
妳一定收到一两样电气礼物 You must have an appliance or two.
这是新娘送礼会 这正是我所要求的 It's a shower, for goodness sake. This is what I was asking for.
我并不古板 妳会到需要电器的年纪的 I'm not so old-fashioned. You have appliances in today's age.
妳拿到了... You get...
我希望是按摩肩膀的 I hope this is for a sore shoulder.
最好马上拿走 You better take this right away, honestly.
太恐怖了 那有高压电 Holey-moley, that's very frightening I mean that's a high-voltage item, Buffy.
我跟只有90天保证期的东西不会发生亲密关系 I don't want to be intimate with anything that has a 90-day warranty.
- 妳家是哪一间? - 就在前面 我应该用走的 - Which one's your house? - It's just up ahead. I think I should walk.
妳不会有事吧? Are you sure you're going to be all right?
他不会打妳吧? 都快天亮了 He doesn't beat you up or anything like that? It is almost morning.
我到孩子的床上睡 I'll slip into bed with one of the kids.
他会以为我整晚都睡在那 He'll think I've been there all night.
然後呢? What then?
我不知道 I don't know.
妳可以跟我走 You could run away with me.
今晚谢谢你 Thank you for tonight.
- 我不会忘记的 - 妳... 妳很棒 - I'll never ever forget it. - You were brilliant.
那是因为你的关系 Because of you.
记住这点 Now, hold that thought. Okay?
- 莱拉 - 我要走了 - Lilah. - I gotta go.
- 我有话要说 - 不要 - No, I want to say something. - Don't.
妳又不知道我要说什麽 You don't know what I'm going to say.
说晚安就好 Just say good night.
妳应该让我说的 You should have let me say it.
晚安 Good night.
史帝芬! 你怎麽会在这里? Steven! What are you doing here?
他们不把我的电话接过去 They won't put my calls through to your office...
不过我想妳得吃午餐... ...but I figured you had to have lunch, so...
不行 我很忙 I'd love to, but I'm swamped lining this thing up.
我在俱乐部等 但是妳没来 I was waiting for you down at the club but you never came down.
我有打电话 没收到我留的话吗? I called. You didn't get my message?
太离谱了 你不知道吗? 没人打给你? I don't believe it. You don't know. No one called you this morning?
我不能进我的公寓 什麽? I'm locked out of my apartment. I don't. What?
听着 我昨晚和一个... Listen to this. I'm having dinner last night with this guy...
电视台的高级主管吃饭 ...major network executive, top brass...
我说你很厉害 他应该见你 ...telling him how incredible you are. Insisting he comes down to see you.
结果整个构想就发展成更大的计划 And the whole idea just explodes into something absolutely spectacular.
准备好了吗? Are you ready?
两周後我们将带着摄影机... Two weeks from today, we're coming down with our cameras...
去拍摄一小时的特别节目 ...to shoot a one-hour special.
是一个每周节目的首集 叫做 "公开试镜" The pilot for a weekly series called Open Audition.
每周优胜者将能成为强尼卡森秀的来宾 The winner each week gets a guest spot on Johnny Carson.
觉得怎样? 很棒吧? What do you think? Brilliant?
这跟妳答应我的不一样 I think it's not what you promised me.
我答应你可以上镜头 这是有意义的 I promised you'd be seen. This is no aimless audition.
优胜者可以上强尼卡森秀 The winner gets a shot at Carson.
- 没人会来看我的 - 会 你是最棒的 - No one's coming to see me. - Of course they will. You're the best there.
- 那是妳的看法 - 我的看法... - In your opinion. - In my opinion.
满有价值的 It's worth something.
当然比妳的承诺有价值多了 It's certainly worth a lot more than your word.
史帝芬 告诉你 Steven, for your information...
你的俱乐部老板 寄给我参加者名单 ...the owner of your club sent me a list of submissions.
你的名字不在上面 The name Steven Gold wasn't on it.
他说你 "情绪不稳定" He said you were emotionally unstable.
我拼了命才让你列入其中 I had to exert pressure just to keep you in this thing.
别跟我发火 Don't give me heat about my word.
- 还有谁在名单上? - 怎麽了? - Who else exactly is on this list? - Why?
妳可能忘了一个人 Because there's someone good you might have forgotten.
你好心吗? 大家好 Aren't you nice? Aren't you nice? Hello, everybody.
欢迎收看全美最受欢迎的节目 And welcome to America's favourite noontime show.
"女同志餐盒" It's the "Lesbian Lunchbox."
许多女同志来参加本节目 我们跟她们谈谈 So many lesbians come to see the show I thought we'd talk to some lesbians here tonight.
这点子不错吧? Doesn't that sound like a wonderful idea?
- 妳是女同志吗? - 不是 - Hi, you a lesbian? - No!
我觉得女同志反抗的太过火了 "Methinks the lesbian doth protest too much." Just teasing.
喂 Hello?
这是电话公司 克里西太太在吗? 有重要的事 This is the phone company. Is Mrs. Krytsick in? It's important.
妈 电话公司 Mom, phone company.
- 喂 - 莱拉 是我 - Hello? - Lilah, it's me.
史帝芬 Steven.
我在俱乐部' 妳要来吗? I'm at the club. What's going on? Are you coming down?
你不该打来这里 You shouldn't have called me here.
- 你没收到我的留言吗? - 有 - Didn't you get my message? - Yeah.
什麽意思 妳不能来? I did. What does that mean, you can't come to the club for a while?
我真的不能讲了 I really can't talk.
等等 那比赛呢? Wait a minute. What about the contest? You're on the list.
什麽比赛? What contest?
俱乐部的比赛 优胜者上强尼卡森秀 At the club. The winner gets a shot on the Carson show.
我在名单上? I'm on the list?
对 我让妳上了名单 Yeah, I got you on it.
- 什麽时候? - 星期三之後的一个礼拜 - When is it? - A week from Wednesday.
天啊 我不行 Oh, God. I can't do it.
为什麽? Why not?
我现在有点动弹不得 I'm kind of in a holding pattern here.
我老公要我放弃 My husband wants me to quit.
天哪 莱拉 Jesus Christ, Lilah.
妳还要忍多久? How long are you gonna put up with this shit?
没有那麽简单 It's really not that simple.
就是那麽简单 妳嫁错人了 It is that simple. You're with the wrong guy.
他配不上妳 He doesn't deserve you and you know it.
我不怕告诉他 I'm not afraid to tell that to his face.
妳应该跟我在一起 You should be with me. I'll tell him that, too.
不... 电话没问题 No, the phone is working just fine.
马上给我过来 You get your ass over here right away, all right?
有点来不及了 It's a little late for that.
- 谁? - 电话公司 - Who is it? - It's the phone company.
明天6点在咖啡店见 Tomorrow then. Meet me at the coffee shop at 6:00.
不行 我要去做头发 No, I couldn't make that. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow.
不 我喜欢妳的头发! I love your hair!
- 怎麽了? - 我不知道 - What's wrong with the phone? - I don't know.
好 听着 All right, listen.
妳过来见我 不然我就过去... You come and meet me or I'll come over and tell your husband...
告诉妳老公我们深深相爱 ...I'm crazy in love with you and you with me.
- 星期三 - 几点? 6点? - Wednesday. - What time? 6:00?
如果电话没坏别急着约时间 Don't get hustled into an appointment if the phone's okay.
- 给我 - 莱拉 6点? - Give it me. - Lilah, 6:00?
- 不要 - 给我 - No. - Give it me!
不要 No! No!
莱拉 Lilah!
我不能讲了 I can't talk right now.
原来是这麽回事 So that's what this has been about.
不是 No.
只是一个朋友 It's just a friend.
男的 A man?
喜剧演员 A comic.
我懂了 I see.
他对我有信心 认为我很会搞笑 He believes in me. He thinks I'm funny.
莱拉 虽然有可能太迟 但总有一天... Some day, Lilah, and it may be too late...
妳会想起家人是爱妳的 不管妳会不会搞笑 ...you'll remember that we loved you whether you were funny or not.
现在7点半 妳高兴了吗? 我回家了 It's 7:30. You happy? I'm home.
如果你不能赚钱... If you can't make money selling your services...
你能卖什麽? 你的身体! ...what are you going to sell? Your body!
到医院去估估看你值多少钱 You're going to go down to this hospital to get an appraisal of your worth.
"肝四块半 "$450 for your liver. For your liver, $450.
2品脱的血? 我买了 "Two pints of blood? I'll take it off your hands!
眼睛一角 "And I'll take off your heads. For your eyes, $0.10.
今天不要鼻子 星期二在来" "No noses today. No noses. Come back Tuesday."
如果不是身体 你会卖什麽? 你的梦吗? If you won't sell your body, what will you sell, your dreams?
到梦诊所去 Go down to one of these dream clinics!
你能想像卖梦吗? Can you imagine that, selling your dreams?
我是美发师 妳想弄成什麽样? So what do you want? You know I'm a hair designer.
妳要魅力 庞克头都行 I can give you anything. Glamour, punk.
看看这些发根 妳看 Look at these roots. Look at that.
- 要保留自然发色吗? - 我要改变一下 - Want to go back to your natural colour? - I just want a change.
全新的样子? 全新发型? What, a whole new look? A whole new thing?
不一样的 我要改变 Different. I want a change.
我有很棒的想法 Okay, great. All right. I got a great idea.
妳会喜欢的 You're gonna love this.
这东西好像好了 她在哪? This stuff looks ready. Where is she?
- 她说5点半前会回家 - 都6点了 - She said she'd be home by 5:30. - It's almost 6:00.
她在美容院 She's getting her hair done.
- 那要花多久时间? - 把烤肉拿出来 - How long does that take? - You'd better take the roast out.
我该怎麽做? What do I do?
打开烤箱拿出来 You open the oven and take it out.
- 少自作聪明 - 对不起 - Don't get smart with me. - Sorry.
不要吃了 不然会吃不下饭 Stop eating those. You'll spoil your appetite.
莱拉? Lilah?
我不是故意的 I didn't mean to do it.
我只是想改变一下 I just wanted to change.
- 我不是故... - 别激动 - I didn't mean to... - Take it easy.
妈 别哭 Mom, don't cry.
没关系 莱拉 Take it easy, Lilah.
来 亲爱的 到这里 Come on now, honey, come here.
坐下 坐 Just sit down now.
我不是故意的 I didn't do it on purpose.
- 坐下 没那麽糟 - Sit down. It's not that bad.
我好像荞麦妹 I look like Buckwheat.
妳只是不习惯而已 我们会习惯的 You're just not used to it. We'll just have to get used to it.
对 我们会习惯的 Yeah, we gotta get used to it.
- 好嘛? - 好 - Okay? - Okay.
让我们好好看一下 We'll see what we got here. Let me look at it.
- 好 - 我看看 - Okay. - I'll take a look. Okay?
- 美呆了 - 真的吗? - I think it's wonderful. - You do?
- 毫无疑问 - 简直像电影明星 - No question. - You look like a movie star.
- 妳随便说说的吧? - 没有 - You're not just saying that? - No.
美得像美国小姐 You look like Miss America.
妳是最美的妈妈 You're the prettiest mother of any kid at my school.
比以前好看多了 It looks better than it ever looked.
我学校的那些妈妈跟妳比起来像猪一样 Mothers at my school are pigs compared to you.
她们简直就是母猪 They are. They're oinkers compared to you.
妳的发型是全世界最美的 You've got the prettiest hair of anyone in the world.
亲爱的 Sweetheart.
亲爱的 谢谢你 Honey, thank you.
谢谢你 Thank you.
嘿 莱拉 Yo, Lilah.
史帝芬 Steven.
妳好吗? How's it going?
不太好? Tough going?
- 这套衣服不错 - 谢谢 这是我的义式打扮 - I like your outfit. - Thank you. It's my Italian look.
已婚妇女 单身男子 见不得人的外遇 Married woman, single man, scandalous affair.
- 妳的头怎麽了 - 很糟糕? - What happened to your head? - It's terrible, isn't it?
没有 没有 No, no.
他们在上面钻洞打保龄球? Did they drill holes in it for bowling?
谢谢 史帝芬 我就知道我能依赖你 Thank you, Steven. I knew I could count on you.
随时 喝咖啡吗? 我们得等雨停 Always. Coffee? Dry out a bit.
佩德罗 请来两杯拿铁咖啡 Pedro, dos cafe con leche, por favor.
我的电话让妳惹上麻烦了吗? Did I get you in trouble when I called the house?
不是你的错 No. It's not your fault.
怎麽回事? What's the deal?
他不让妳上台表演 He doesn't let you have friends or do stand-up.
但没想到竟然让妳出来 I'm surprised he lets you out the house.
他以为我来参加母姊会 He thinks I'm at a P.T.A. Meeting.
为什麽不离开他? So why don't you leave him?
妳办得到 You could do that, you know.
那是常有的事 People do it all the time.
尤其在他知道有另一个男人时候... Especially now that he knows there's another man.
妳可以带着孩子离开 You could pack up those kids and split.
我只有几分钟 能不能认真谈谈? I've only got a couple of minutes. Could we talk serious?
知道为什麽6怕7吗? Okay. You know why six is afraid of seven?
- 什麽? - 这就是妳想要的认真谈谈 - What? - You want to talk serious. This is.
- 妳知道6为什麽怕7吗? - 不知道 - You know why six is afraid of seven? - No.
因为7吃掉9 Because seven "eight" nine.
这是孩子的笑话 我常去小孩子的派对 孩子一旦认识我就会爱上我 It's a kid's joke. I do kids' parties. Kids love me once they get to know me.
只要妳的孩子认识我 也会爱上我 And I think that your kids will love me, once they get to know me.
当然 I'm sure.
胡萝卜和莴苣先生出了车祸 Mr. Carrot and Mr. Lettuce had a terrible auto accident.
医生会说什麽? You know what the doctor said at the hospital?
他们一辈子都会是植物人 They'd be vegetables all their lives.
- 妳听过了? - 没有 - You knew it? - No, I didn't.
我女朋友最近好瘦好瘦 知道有多瘦吗? I had a girlfriend, she was so skinny. You know how skinny she was?
她就像一根温度计? When she drank tomato juice she looked like a thermometer?
- 没错 她有多丑? - 这些都是老笑话了 - Right. You know how ugly she was? - These are so old.
- 告诉我她有多丑 - 她有多丑? - Tell me how ugly she was. - How ugly was she?
当她走进房间里... When she walked into a room...
- 老鼠都会跳进椅子上 - 看到了吗? ...all the mice jumped on chairs. - Do you see?
- 看到了吗 如果我们在一起 Do you see how great we would be?
而且结婚的话会有多棒? Together, I mean, married or something.
对 这就是我要说的 我说结婚 That's right. That's what I said. I said "married."
史帝芬 我爱我老公 Steven, I love my husband.
如果我们要结婚 妳必须忘了这个念头 If we're gonna be married, you'll have to get over that.
也许你不相信 但是他也爱我 I know you don't believe it, but he loves me, too. He does.
有时我认为他应该获颁勋章 Sometimes I think he deserves a medal.
你只是想太多了 You just took it too far.
我们以前是朋友 现在还是 We were... We are friends, we are.
我们还是能见面 It's not like we won't see each other. We will.
妳要放弃脱口秀节目? You gonna give up stand-up comedy?
我不知道 I don't know.
我就是这样 我是喜剧先生 妳不表演就等於跟我告别 That's where I am, babe. I'm Mr. Comedy. And if you kiss it off, you're kissing me off.
所以别跟我说我们还会再见面 So don't tell me we'll see each other again.
我家人需要我 They're my family. They need me.
如果我说没有妳我会死呢? What if I told you that I was going to die without you?
我不会说的 但我若那麽说呢? Not that I am, but what if I told you I was?
妳是我活下去的唯一动力 That I woke this morning and you were all I had to keep me going.
喜剧能让你活下去 You have comedy to keep you going.
- 你要我怎样? - 没怎样! - Jesus, what do you want from me? - Nothing!
回纽泽西去打扫房子 Just go back to New Jersey and clean house...
讲笑话给妳的吸尘器听 ...and tell jokes into a vacuum cleaner handle.
等妳老公回家 给他别上勋章 别得深一点 And when your husband comes home, pin a fucking medal on him. Pin it deep.
- 你认为这是我想要的? - 我不知道妳想要什麽 - You think that's what I want? - I don't know what you want.
套句我们同事比利蓝恩的话 In the words of our own Billy Lane:
"我一生的挚爱是一个叫喜剧的女士" "The love of my life is a lady named Comedy."
套句季辛吉的话 And in the words of Kissinger:
"别把男人的行李拿走" "A man shouldn't be separated from his luggage."
丘脑连结了基本神经节 Right where the thalamus joins the basal ganglia.
如果妳没听过神经节就等於没听过莎士比亚! And if you haven't heard basal ganglia, you haven't heard Shakespeare!
像花生大小的东西 通过神经节... The basal ganglia, where something passing through the size of just a peanut...
- 别这样! - 就会导致无声! - Don't do this! ...can bring silence!
黑暗 就像彗星或船只飞越过黑夜 Darkness, like a comet, like a ship, Io, passing into the night.
住口! 你吓坏我了 This scares me. Stop it!
别怕 我是搞笑史帝芬 头上戴着灯罩 Don't be scared, because I'm funny Steve with a lampshade on his head...
唱歌跳舞来娱乐各位 ...who is singing and dancing, for your entertainment...
他要表演雨中欢唱! ...his own rendition of Singing in the Rain!
【试镜】
【加油站】
大家都过来 我有话要说 Girls, everybody, come close. I wanna talk to you.
马提 上来 找史都帮你 Marty, come up here. Get Stu to give you a hand. Come on.
总共有5个评审 There are gonna be five judges. Five judges.
请他们坐7号桌 I want them seated at Table 7.
伊芙 妳来招乎他们 Eve, you take care of them.
一切登免费招待 Everything's on the cuff. Everything's on the house.
各位! You guys!
罗宾葛林慧来 他是评审之一 They say that Robyn Green is coming and he's going to be one of the judges.
有什麽了不起! Big fucking deal!
- 走开 - 我不知道把车停哪里 - You. No way, okay. - I don't know where to park.
- 别停在这 - 我是来表演的 - You can't park here, okay. - I'm one of the comics.
- 什麽? - 我是来表演的 - What? - I'm one of the comics.
他要上台表演 Don't tell him to go, he's on the show.
- 倒车 - 他会赢的 - All right. Back it up. - He's gonna win.
退到後面停 Great. Pull around back there. Park it.
节目2小时候才开始 走开 People, the show don't start for two hours. Please get out of here.
利可 7号 皮卓维 8号 莱拉呢? Rico, you're seven. Petroviak, eight. Lilah, nine. Where's Lilah?
她不知道有比赛吗? 史帝芬呢? 波尔呢? Doesn't she know there's a contest? Where's Steven and Ball?
我叫大家6点前要到 Didn't I tell everybody to be here by 6:00?
- 他们到的时後告诉我 - 为什麽我是第一个? - Tell me when they get here. - Romeo, why do I have to go first?
总有人要当第一个 Somebody has to. Why not you?
- 我不要在波尔後面 - 搞叛变吗? - I don't wanna go after Ball. - What is this, a mutiny?
我没有编号 I didn't get a number.
比利 你怎麽会来? Billy, what are you doing here?
比赛 The contest.
比利 我有一份名单 Billy, I had a list.
你没看吗? I mean, didn't you read the list?
比利 我很抱歉 只有十个名额 Billy, I'm terribly sorry. I mean, I've only got ten spots.
这是未来喜剧明星的电视台视镜会 It's a network television audition. It's for comics of the future.
我需要你当观众 我需要你的笑声 Come on, I need you in the audience. I need you for laughter.
我需要每个人表演时大家都会笑 我们是一家人 对吧? I need everybody. Everybody's gotta laugh at each other's act. We're a family, right?
放轻松 我晚点打电话给你们 Relax, I'll call you later.
我有事宣布 猫王被取消了 I have an announcement. Elvis has cancelled.
请把票交回 Please turn in your tickets at the box office.
退後点 小姐们 狗来了 You want to move back a little bit, girls. Here come the dogs.
妈 甜点好了 爸要妳下来 Mom? Dessert's ready. Dad wants you to come down.
妈 Mom?
爸做了一道特别甜点 Dad made a special dessert.
妳要去哪? Where are you going?
俱乐部有一场表演 There's a contest at the club tonight.
我要去参加 I want to be in it.
可是妳答应过爸爸 But you promised Daddy.
我答应他我会考虑 我考虑过了 I promised Daddy I would think about it and I have.
我要告诉你们我考虑的结果 Come in, I'd like to talk to you about what I've been thinking.
来 Come on.
过来 Come on.
我爱世界上3件事情 There's three things in this world that I love:
我爱当妈妈 I love being a mom.
我爱当老婆 I love being a wife.
我还爱逗人们欢笑 And I love being able to make people laugh.
我一直都有这能力 即使小时候也一样 I've always been able to. Even when I was a little girl.
它总事使我感到快乐 And it's always made me feel good.
现在还是一样 It still makes me feel good.
其实... The thing is...
当妳表演得好 让大家笑 ...when you do it right and you make people laugh...
感觉就像... 妳在做一件 ...it feels like you're doing something...
别人不能用妳的方法做得来的事 ...that no one else could do quite the same.
会使妳感到... It makes you feel...
很特别 ...special.
如果妳们也发现一件 I'd be a happy mom if you found something...
感到特别的事 我会很快乐 ...that could make you feel that way. Make you feel special.
明白我的意思吗? You know what I mean?
但是如果我爱的人... I'd be even happier...
帮我做那件事 我会更快乐 ...knowing that the people who loved you were helping you to do that.
我想做妻子... I want to be a wife.
想做妳们的妈妈 I want to be your mom.
也想当喜剧女演员 And I want to be a comedienne.
我知道 I know.
人在生活中 不见得事事如愿 People don't always get everything they want out of life.
可是不去试试的话就太糟了 But it would feel terrible to not try.
我可以去看吗? Could I see you?
等我回家 When I come home.
我是说 看妳做 I mean, do it.
我想看妳放手去做 I'd like to see you do it.
妈 说好 Say yes, Mom.
好 Okay.
各位 欢迎罗宾葛林 It's Robyn Green, ladies and gentlemen.
别太靠近他 他很红 Let's not get too close to Robyn, folks. Robyn's a celebrity.
不想和我们这些人渣打交道 He doesn't want to be bothered by scum like us.
看 他有个叫维克或托尼的保镳 Look, he's got a bodyguard. I bet you anything his name is Vic or Tony.
打断人家骨头的工作还好吗? How's the bone-breaking business, Tony?
好帅的发型 Nice hair.
又一辆豪华礼车 那就代表 It's another limousine, everybody. That can only mean one thing:
名人驾到! 让我们看看是谁 A celebrity's inside. Let's see who it is.
是... 某人! It's... Some guy!
是一位老男士和一位金发美女 It's some older gentleman with some beautiful blonde babe.
两位停下来拍照好吗? Folks, can you stop just for a photograph, please?
拜托! 拍张照就好了 Come on! Just for a lively little photograph.
那家伙是谁? Who is that guy?
请退後 All right, stand back, please.
请退道人行道上 You're gonna have to get off the street and onto the sidewalk.
比赛还没开始 Come on in, everybody. The contest hasn't started.
这样是一场精彩的比赛 You'll see a great show. I had to come up on stage.
我必须问声好 因为我爱你们 I had to say hello 'cause I love you. How much do I love you?
为罗宾葛林掌声鼓励 精彩的罗宾葛林 A hand for Robyn Green. The wonderful Robyn Green.
没时间再讲笑话了 We don't have time for any more jokes, ladies and gentlemen.
说两个笑点就好 "乒乓球?" Maybe a couple of punchlines. "Ping Pong balls"?
我以为你是说 "金刚球" I thought you said, "King Kong's balls."
- 妳好漂亮 - 妳也是 - You look great. - So do you.
见到妳真好 Good to see you.
- 妳好漂亮 - 谢谢 - You look beautiful. - Thanks.
罗宾葛林在这台上起家 现在赶也赶不走 Robyn Green started on this very stage and now I can't get him off.
- 下去... - 我得下场了 谢谢 - Off, off, off. - I gotta go. Thank you very much.
很好 罗宾 太棒了 Very good. Very good, Robyn. That's wonderful.
先生女士们 今天对加油站是非常重要的一夜 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a big night here at The Gas Station.
评审小组将会选出... We have a distinguished panel of judges...
一名喜剧演员 ...who are going to select one of our rising young comedians...
提供上电视节目的机会给他 ...and give him an opportunity on a major network television show.
为评审小组鼓掌 I'd like to have a hand for our panel of judges.
记得他们在电影纽伦堡的演出吗? You remember them from Nuremberg?
时间到了 开始吧 It's time to roll, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.
- 开始拍摄 - 开始拍摄 - And the tape is rolling. - Tape is rolling.
- 我们开始了 - 开始了 现在吗? - We are on a "go." - We are on a "go." Okay. Now? Okay.
欢迎来到加油站的竞赛之夜 Welcome to contest night at The Gas Station.
停 停 "Stop, stop
停下来想想我 "Stop what you're doing and think of me
停 停 "Stop, stop
停下来想想我 "Stop what you're doing and think of me
我这麽成功 "I'm so successful
难道你看不出来吗? "Can't you see?
我喜欢拥抱自己 "I love to hug myself
那会为我狂喜不已 "It brings me ecstasy"
很多人以为黑人的老二都很大 You know, a lot of people think all black men are well-hung.
其实不是 This ain't the truth.
有的兄弟只有3丶4吋长 You got brothers out there with three and four inches.
他们和白人女孩约会 Yeah, those are the ones that date white women.
有声音吗? Is this thing on?
我在我女友家 她醒过来 So I was at my girlfriend's house the other day, and she was waking up.
靠在我身上说 She leans over to me and she says:
"甜心 想吃早餐吗?" "Sweet pea, want some breakfast?"
我很讨厌日本人 I am pissed off of a Japanese.
日本人让我很不爽 知道为什麽吗? Japanese people piss me off. Yes, you know why?
- 为什麽? - 瞧这东西有多重 - Why? - Feel how heavy this shit is.
男人对我们不好时... When a guy is mean to us or if he cheats on us...
我们不能跟他说 "你是个混蛋" ...we can't tell him, "You're a bastard."
我们会打电话给女性朋友 在每一个字後啜泣 We'll call our girlfriends up, right? And with a syllable hysteria:
"他伤得我很重 "He-hurt-me-so-much...
我受不了了" "...l- can't-take-the-pain...
- 她快结束了吗? - 不知道 - Is she almost finished? - I don't know.
- 我是下一个 - 太好了 - I'm on next. - Fantastic.
- 准备看好戏吧 - 准备就绪 - Prepare for greatness. - All set.
知道我想做什麽吗? 我想惹火中东人 Do you know what I like to do sometimes? I like to piss off Middle Eastern people.
那叫 "打击恐怖主义" It's called punk terrorism.
我到市区的地毯店 And what I do, right, is I go downtown to carpet stores...
走进去说 ...and I walk into the place and I say:
"我要地毯 但我不知道尺寸" "Hi. I want carpet, but I don't have the square footage."
一个伊朗人会说 An Iranian guy'll say:
"你不要地毯 "You don't want carpet...
你需要小... 地毯" "...you want an area rug."
我说 "我不要小... 地毯" And I say, "No, I don't want an 'area rug."'
他们就像刚出生的秃鹰 These people are like newly-born bald eagles.
小... 地毯 You know, it's like "area rug."
不摇摆就没有意义 "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing"
波尔先生呢? 我们找不到他 Have you seen Mr. Ball? We can't find him up here.
他不在这 He's not down here.
赶快找到他 否则他就赶不上表演了 Somebody better find him. He's about to miss his spot.
来说玛莉亚 玛莉亚 玛莉亚 波贝莉 Let's do a Mary: "Mary, Mary, bo Birley, Bonana fanna
佛斐莉 菲佛玛莉亚 "fo Firley, fee fy mo Mary, Mary!"
在来是耶稣 A little trick with Jesus:
耶稣 耶稣 摩耶稣 佛耶稣 菲佛耶稣... "Jesus, Jesus, bo Jesus, Bonana fanna fo Jesus, fee fy mo Jesus, Jesus!"
约翰保罗教皇 Let's do Pope John Paul.
哈罗 Hello.
里面有人吗? Is anybody in there?
波尔先生? Mr. Ball?
这是男厕 This is the men's room.
你还好吗? Are you all right?
我办不到 I can't do it.
你可以 Yes, you can. You're up.
- 我会吐 - 深呼吸 - I'm gonna puke. - Take a deep breath.
- 他们会讨厌我 - 他们会爱死你的 - They'll hate me. - They'll love you.
他们一向讨厌我 They always hate me.
你会转变局面的 You're gonna turn it around tonight.
- 你这麽觉得? - 对 我是这麽认为 - You think so? - Yes, I think so.
我感觉到了 真的感觉到了 I feel it. I really feel it.
- 为你的学生好好表演 - 我要好好表演 - Do it for your students. - I got to do it for them.
- 为了历史系 - 为了历史系 我要办到 - And for the History Department. - History Department. I got to do it.
- 上台去迷死观众 - 我会努力的 - Get out on that stage and kill. - I'll try.
你办得到 You'll try? You'll do it.
- 看到我老婆了吗? - Did you notice my wife?
她的座位很好 你的样子很帅 And she's got a good seat. You look wonderful.
- 喜欢这套西装吗? - 喜欢 - Thanks. Like the suit? - Very much.
两面都能穿 It's reversible.
比利? Billy?
我喜欢旅行 因为当你旅行时会看到许多历史故事 I love travelling, because when you travel you see a lot of history.
我去过法国 I went to France.
你得懂法语 不然他们会讨厌你 You have to know the language there, otherwise they don't like you.
我买了卷叫 "趁你睡觉时学法语的" 录音带 So I bought these tapes, where you learn while you sleep.
我的带子有时候怪怪的 But there was something wrong with my tape.
过了一半会播迪斯可 Halfway through, it went into disco music.
但我不知道 直到我到了法国... I didn't know this until I got there.
当我到了那里 有人说 "你懂法语吗?" I get off the plane, someone goes, "Parlez-vous francais?"
我说是 嗯啊... 我喜欢 I went, "Oui, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it."
我想到加拿大... I went to Canada...
史帝芬 比利有点不对劲 Steven, something's wrong with Billy.
这里有压迫感吗? Is there any pressure right here?
没有 No.
这只手臂会刺痛吗? 左手会麻吗? Is there any sensation in this arm or numbness in the left hand?
不会 No.
反胃? 头痛? Is your stomach queasy? Do you have a headache?
没有 No.
你有在吃药吗? Are you taking any medication?
没有 None.
看了烂电视节目吗? Seen any bad TV shows or anything?
呼吸时会痛吗? Okay. Is there any pain when you breathe? Any pain there?
我这样抬起你的手臂时呢? Any pain when I lift your arm up like this?
我没有什麽疼痛 你没必要下来 I don't have any pain. You didn't have to come down here.
找人带你回家好吗? Is there someone who can take you home tonight?
我要留下来 I'm going to stay.
我要看谁获胜 I want to see who wins.
不是心脏病发作 你的脉搏很稳 It's not a heart attack. You've got a rock-steady pulse.
我很好 I'm fine.
你在这里没问题吗? Okay. You'll be all right down here?
别紧张 放轻松 Okay, just relax. Take it easy.
获胜的感觉很棒 You know, it's a great feeling to win.
我在赌城赢过一次比赛 I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas.
比这次盛大多了 It was bigger than this.
我赢得上艾德苏利文秀的机会 I won a shot on the Ed Sullivan Show.
听说过吗? Ever hear of it?
那节目比强尼卡森秀还大 It was bigger than Carson.
大多了 Bigger.
比不上的 Any day.
我必须告诉你们 我有酗酒的问题 I have to tell this right off, folks. I have a drinking problem.
我整晚像条鱼一样喝个不停 I've been drinking like a fish all night.
这事我对牙医的印象 Here's my impression of a dentist's appointment.
"不会痛的" "This won't hurt a bit."
他不错 God, he's good.
- 还不能击败我 - 你要上场了 - But not good enough to take me. - You're up for it.
对 我有新的笑料 你呢? Yeah. I'm going out with a bang. I got all new stuff. How about you?
我也有新笑料 I've got some new stuff.
很好 那就上去击败我吧 Good. Get up there and beat me up with it.
- 我会尽力 - 我会更好 - I'll do the best I can. - I'll do better.
我知道你们想听什麽 笑话! I know what you people want now. Jokes!
史帝芬 对不起 我绝对无意伤害你 Steven, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
算了 妳没有错过什麽 Forget it. You're not missing anything.
我在床上表现很差 I'm a lousy lay.
我也是 Yeah, so am I.
看到了吗? 我们是天生一对 See? We'd have been perfect for each other.
- 怎麽了? - 下一个是我 - What? - I'm on next.
放轻松 你会表现得很好 So? Take it easy, you'll be fine.
天啊 我什麽都记不起来 God, I can't remember anything.
6为什麽怕7? Why is six afraid of seven?
因为7吃掉9 Because seven "eight" nine.
- 上去笑死他们 - 她结婚了 - Go kill them. - She's married...
她是 "爆笑妈妈" 莱拉克里西 ...she's "the mother that roared." Let's have a big hand for Lilah Krytsick.
上来吧 莱拉 Come on, Lilah. Come on up here.
谢了 史帝芬 Thanks, Steven.
嗨 Hi.
- 你们好吗? - 好 - How are you? - Fine.
- 嗨 - 嗨 - Hi. - Hi.
- 你叫什麽名字 - 马克 - What's your name? - Mark.
马克 结婚了吗? Mark, are you married?
结了 这是我老婆 Yes. This is my wife.
结婚多久了? How long have you been married?
- 半年 - 半年? - Six months. - "Six months"?
- 太久了 - 太久了? - Too long. - "Too long"?
听着 你们不该笑 说真的 那很不容易 Now listen, you shouldn't laugh. It's very difficult. It honestly is.
我的意思是 我们都清楚没有碰过这种事 I mean, we all know this. You're never on solid ground.
我嫁给我老公15年了 I've been married to my husband for 15 years.
有时候我会看着他说 Sometimes I look at him and say:
"他是谁? 他怎麽进来的? "Who is this man? How did he get in my house?
我以前没看过他" "I've never seen him before in my life."
其他时候 我们合为一体 And other times our identities meld.
我发痒 他就抓 我感觉很舒服 I itch. He scratches. I feel better.
我不知道谁先开始或结束 I don't know where he ends and I begin.
除了在床上的时候 Except in bed...
他结束时我才刚要开始 ...when he's usually ending, just when I'm beginning.
其实在我们结婚前... You know, the thing is, before we were married...
经常做爱 他会跟我说 ...when we used to, you know, make love, he would say to me:
"噢 亲爱的 妈的 妳感觉超棒 "Oh, sweetheart, goddamn, you feel so good.
妳好漂亮 我好爱妳" "You're so beautiful. I love you so much."
现在他会说 "把头移开 我看不到萤幕" And now he says, "Move your head, I can't see the screen."
婚前 我老公约翰他会... Before we were married, my husband John always used to go...
他会... And he used to go...
现在他会... And now he just goes...
说真的 今天的男人很辛苦 (硬) Truly, I honestly think that men have it very, very hard today. You do.
不是在妳需要的时候 Not when you need it, but...
对不起 I'm sorry.
我是说 很硬... 不! I mean, it's hard. No!
都是你们 拜托 You're doing this to me. Now, come on.
男人真的很难为 真的 I mean, really, it's a difficult situation for men, it really is.
女人现在几乎可以不需要男人 It's like women have gotten to the point where they don't need men anymore.
市面上有一些... I mean, you know, there's like these...
机械产品 ...mechanical items.
懂我的意思吗? You know what I mean?
妳懂我的意思 妳用过这些东西吗? You know what I mean. You use one of these thi ngs?
说真的 我没恶意 上帝保佑 尽管用 Oh, my, not for me. Honestly. No offence. God bless, go to it.
我很怕那些东西 真的 它们把我吓坏了 It scares me. It really does. It really frightens me.
我可不想... I don't think that I want to be intimate...
和上面写着 "国际牌"的东西发展亲密关系 ...with anything that has "Panasonic" written on it.
我们无从判断起源 I'm telling you, we have nothing to judge from.
我相新伊甸园是一团乱 我相信 All the way back in history, I'm sure the Garden of Eden was a mess.
我相信亚当不是贴身情人 I'm sure that Adam was an insensitive lover.
他把做爱说成 "拿肋骨" He kept referring to their lovemaking as "getting some rib."
他不知道自己在干嘛 He had no clue what he was doing.
他搞不清楚状况 He was completely lost.
他对夏娃说的第一句话是 One of the first things he said to Eve was:
"退後 我不知道这东西会变多大" "Stand back, darling, I don't know how big this thing gets."
谢谢 谢谢 Thanks. Thank you.
- 你来好吗? - 还好 - You okay? - Yeah.
她非常厉害 She did good.
我觉得好多了 不知道怎麽感谢你们 You know what? I feel so much better. I can't thank you enough.
谢谢 Thank you.
为莱拉掌声鼓励 Let's hear it for Lilah Krytsick. All right.
棒极了 莱拉 Incredible. Fabulous, Lilah.
下一位表演者... This next comedian has been waiting...
- 笑死他们- 妳害我变困难了 - Go kill them. - You didn't make it easy.
- 你没问题吧 - 看着我吧 - I think you can handle it. - Just watch me.
各位 史帝芬高德 Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Gold.
欢迎史帝芬高德 Let's hear it for Steven Gold.
谢谢 Thank you.
大家晚安... 好极了 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Great.
好极了! Great!
我已经搞砸了 "大家晚安" I blew it already. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
你们 认为真是无聊又老套? Can you get any more trite or boring than that?
我不这麽想 I don't think so.
我想让评审... 刮目相看 Here I am, trying to impress these judges...
而我却用了演艺史上最老掉牙的句子 ...and I start with the oldest phrase in the history of showbiz.
我想在台上大展身手 却说了最容易被忘记的话 Something completely forgettable when what I'm trying to do is be remembered up here.
这些评审怎麽认为呢? How about these judges?
嗨 凯萨! "Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
我是斯巴达克斯! 我是斯巴达克斯! "I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!"
我们来认识一下评审 好吗? Why don't we get to know our judges personally, shall we?
他们是赖瑞 莫伊 寇利... 我开玩笑的 They are: Larry, Moe, Curly Joe... I'm kidding around.
奇哥 哈波 奇波... 别闹了 Seriously, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo. All right, cut it out.
佛瑞 威玛 巴尼... 别说了 Fred, Wilma, Barney... Will you knock it off?
雷西 班吉 林丁丁... I'm funny. Okay, Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin.
好了 他们是... Hey! All right! They are:
有个穿着正式的家伙 Some well-dressed guy.
旁边是他的同志爱人 Next to him, his homosexual Svengali lover.
一个女人 A woman.
还有个被电台赶走的家伙 那太低级了 Some guy who got thrown out of radio. Is that the lowest?
最後是罗宾葛林 And finally, Robyn Green.
他出现在这个舞台上 Robyn Green, when he appeared right here on this very stage...
他会被这样介绍 And what he did... Robyn was introduced:
"各位 欢迎风格喜剧天王 罗宾葛林" "Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Robyn Green."
风格喜剧? 那是什麽东西? 他不是皮肤科医生 "Comedy stylings"? What did that mean? Like, he's not a dermatologist.
他是皮肤风格师 He's a skin stylist.
不是牙医 而是牙齿风格师 Not a dentist, but a tooth stylist.
不是理发师 而是毛发风格师 发型风格师 Not a barber, but a barb stylist. A hair stylist.
发型风格师 A hair stylist.
我想这才是正确的 I guess that would be right.
谁想当喜剧演员? Who wants to be a comedian anyway?
我本来要当超级英雄的 When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero.
我想住在堡垒里 I wanted to live in a super fortress.
即使有些英雄拥有惊人的力量 Even though some superheroes have pretty jive powers.
水行侠能在水底呼吸还会跟鱼说话 Aqua Man? Aqua Man can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
这算什麽超能力? These are super powers?
神力女超人... 驾驶隐形喷射机 Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet.
她怎麽找得到喷射机? How did she find it?
在机场跑道上乱跑碰运气吗? She stumbled around the runway until she got lucky? "Oh, here it is."
塔台说 "我们认为妳应该办出境" What did the control tower tell her? "We think you have clearance."
任何人都能当超级英雄吗? Can anybody be a superhero?
餐桌侠 Table Man.
他在四人晚宴上就能铲除犯罪 He solves crimes at dinner for four.
摩托车超人 他的安全帽有神秘机关 The Motorcycle Guy. His helmet has secret compartments.
肥肥女超人 歹徒跑光了! 谁部会跑呢? Big Lady. Criminals flee. Who wouldn't?
纽约计程车司机一定要有当私人司机的驾照 New York cab drivers are required to have chauffeurs' licenses.
这又是什麽意思? "别按喇叭了 Now, what is the point of this? "Stop the honking.
我是为了人命煞车的 杀了我啊 "I brake for human beings. So shoot me.
我不能辗过那个女士" "I can't just run the old lady down.
"下一站 帝国大厦 "Okay, people, next stop, Empire State Building.
知道怎麽到帝国大厦吗? 练习..." "You know how to get there? Practice, practice."
我不讨厌计程车司机或任何人 I don't hate taxi drivers. I don't hate anybody.
这世界... 太令人困惑 很难去讨厌谁 The world is far too confusing a place to hate anybody.
我不讨厌真银行员跟我说 I don't even hate that clown at the bank who tells me...
支票十天不能兑现 ...I can't cash my cheque for 10 days.
或是市场的混蛋或地下铁的白痴 Or that jerk at the supermarket. Or those idiots on the subway.
或者把电话公司拆散的那些家伙 Or these geniuses who broke up the phone company.
或领导流行的人 我不讨厌他们... Or trendsetters. I don't hate trendsetters.
那些告诉我们现在流行甚麽的人 People who tell us what is "hot" and what is "not."
别告诉我该做什麽! 我不讨厌领导流行的人 Don't tell me what to do! I don't hate them.
别告诉我该做什麽! 我不要再穿喇叭裤了 Don't tell me what to do! I'm not wearing bellbottoms.
我不要再穿了 I am not wearing them again!
如果摩洛哥王子穿了喇叭裤 我也不在乎 I don't care if the Prince of Morocco is wearing them.
他又不住在这里 I know, he doesn't have to live here. I do.
我不讨厌领导流行的人或初入社交圈的女人 I don't hate trendsetters. Or debutantes!
我不讨厌初入社交圈的女人 I don't hate debutantes!
我不讨厌年轻 富有 白种... I don't hate young, rich, white...
初入社交圈的女人 ...female debutantes!
我甚至不在乎她们 I don't even care about debutantes.
她们花了一千元做头发 那又怎样? They spend $1,000 on their hair. So what? They're debutantes.
她们戴着高价钻饰 那又怎样? They're wearing priceless diamond tiaras. So what? They're debutantes!
她们对全球饥荒发表意见 谁甩她们? They have opinions on world hunger. Who cares? They're debutantes!
这是现身派对吗? 她们从劳斯莱斯里现生 They're having a coming-out party? They're coming out of a Rolls Royce.
那跟我们知道的生活又有什麽关系? What does this have to do with life as we know it?
我不讨厌初入社交圈的女人 I don't hate debutantes!
我谁都不讨厌 I don't hate anybody.
我不是心存仇恨的人 I'm not a hate-monger.
我算是仇恨风格师 谢谢各位 I'm more of a hate-stylist, if you will. Thank you very much.
谢谢 Thank you.
精彩! 史帝芬高德的疯狂世界 Bravo! Bravo! The demented world of Steven Gold.
我们为史帝芬高德热烈鼓掌 Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a hand for Steven Gold.
也为其他表演者鼓掌吧 How about a hand for the other performers we heard here tonight?
- 说得好 - 给我一杯酒 - Good stuff. - Thanks. Give me a drink.
你太棒了 You were wonderful.
- 你太棒了 - 谢谢 - You were great. - Thanks.
非常有说服力 非常有风格 Very convincing, very powerful, very Shaka Zulu.
你太棒了 You were great.
- 真的吗? - 当然 - Do you really think so? - Absolutely.
不是成功就是身败名裂 It was do or die tonight.
好了 各位 到楼下去 All right, you guys, let's take it downstairs.
我们要等待... We'll wait for five minutes...
评审作出决定 ...while this distinguished panel of judges makes up its mind.
为了缓和情绪 我们的酒免费招待 And in the meantime, to make it easier, we'll all have a drink on the house.
莱拉 Lilah.
【我们之间的比赛结束了 妳赢了 爱妳的约翰】
是私人的 我老公写给我的 It's just personal. It's from my husband.
各位 时间到了 Okay, everybody, this is it.
我想告诉大家一件事 Now, I wanna tell you one thing:
这里没有输家 你们都是赢家 There are no losers here tonight. You're all winners.
他们选出优胜者是因为... Whoever they chose, they chose because they chose.
他们已经选了 他们改变了3次主意 They changed their minds three times. You know why?
废话少说 谁赢了? Cut to the chase, Romeo. Who won?
我不能说 I can't say. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
他们要看到公布获胜者时你们的真实反应 They want you all on stage to get a real reaction when they announce the winner.
- 说什麽屁话? - 他们想看落败者 - What is this shit? - They want to see the losers, man.
- 叫优胜者上去 - 他们要有惊喜 - Just send the winner up. - They want it to be a surprise.
我们都知道谁赢了 Big surprise. We all know who won.
- 是吗? 谁? - 史帝芬 - Yeah? Who won? - Steven.
错了 史帝芬没有赢 别说没有惊喜 Wrong. Steven didn't win. Don't tell me there are no surprises.
史帝芬 对不起 是你想要我废话少说... Steven, I'm sorry. You wanted me to cut to the chase...
我就废话少说 每个人都有可能 ...I'm cutting to the chase. It's anybody's ballgame.
请你们在此排成一排 史帝芬 你做个榜样 Now, I'd like you to line up here. Steven, I'd like you to set an example.
- 史帝芬为什麽没有赢? - 因为别人赢了 - Why didn't Steven win? - Because somebody else won.
但我们都看到了 他是最棒的 But we all saw. He had the best set.
他是第二名 He had the second best.
他得了2票 另一个人得3票 He got two votes of the five. Someone else got the other three.
别让我难堪 Now, look, don't embarrass me, please.
我答应过宣布优胜者时... I promised them you'd all be back on stage before I announced the winner.
你们都要上台 不上去的资格就被取消 Anybody who does not get on that staircase now is disqualified.
我说真的 I mean it!
- 史帝芬真的第二名? - 没错 - Did Steven really come in second? - That's what I said.
那我退出 取消我的资格 Then I'm out. Disqualify me.
莱拉 妳在干嘛? 她在干嘛? Lilah, come on. What are you doing? Really? What is she doing?
万一我赢了 冠军就是史帝芬 Just in case I won, it's Steven's.
她在做什麽? 妳在做什麽? What is she doing? What are you doing?
我要回家了 伊芙 叫我老公到外面等我 I'm going home. Eve, would you please tell my husband to meet me out front?
拜托 莱拉 Wait. Please. Lilah.
我也要退出 I'm out, too.
- 我也是 - 我留下 - Me, too. - I'm in. I'm still in.
妳赢了 You did win.
不一样了 对吧? Makes a difference, doesn't it?
我真的赢了? I really did win?
对 妳得了3票 Yes. You got three out of the five votes.
白发的评审很喜欢妳 The guy with the grey hair was crazy about you.
是不一样了 It makes a difference.
- 各位 再见了 - 莱拉 别这样 - See you later, guys. - Lilah, don't do this.
听他的话 Listen to Steven.
妳走出去他会得奖吗? 不会 Do you think they're gonna give it to him just 'cause you walked out? No.
他冒犯到3个评审 Three of those judges didn't even like him. They were offended by him.
他们会把奖颁给别人 They'll re-vote and give it to someone else.
就算没有 妳想他会感激吗? Even if they did give it to him, do you think he's going to be grateful?
十年後 当妳坐在旅行车上 In 10 years, when you're sitting in your station wagon...
妳会有他的消息吗? ...with curlers in your hair and groceries, are you gonna hear from him?
连明信片都不会有 Not even a postcard.
还是会有因妳离开而获胜的人消息? Or any of these others who'll get it because you walked out?
别傻了 Forget it!
别这样 妳赢得大好机会 上去领奖吧 Come on, you won the brass ring. Come claim it.
这才对 That a girl.
这样才对 That's my girl.
看到没? See? See?
我忘了我的皮包 I forgot my purse.
嘿 妳要继续在这里表演吗? Hey! You wanna work in this club again?
我要 Yeah, I do.
疯子 Nuts.
你们都是疯子 You're all a bunch of fucking nuts.
约翰 John.
莱拉 Lilah.
嗨 Hi.
妳输了? Lost?
我赢了 I won.
妳赢了? You won?
我赢了 I won.
妳赢了? You won?
妳怎麽不在里面? Why aren't you in there?
我还有时间 I've got time.
我有你们 I've got you guys.
谢谢你写给我的便条 Thank you for my note.
妳很棒 You were great.
- 真的吗? - 妳很棒 - I was? - You were great.
- 我有听到你的声音 - 对 妳把我笑死了 - I heard you laughing. - Yeah. You were hysterical.
- 你笑的比谁都大声 - 妳太棒了 - I could hear you laugh. - You were wonderful.
知道我在想什麽吗? You know what I was thinking?
妳可以说生凯莉的经过 You could tell the story of giving birth to Carrie.
妳在停车场说 "我是拉梅兹呼吸" You were in the parking lot going, "I'm Lamaze! I'm Lamaze!"
这太棒了 That's great!
- 可以用吗? - 我可以做一场拉梅兹的事 - You think you could do that? - Yeah, I never thought of that.
- 从头说到尾 - 家里有一大堆故事 - Start to finish. You know what I mean? - There are a million stories at home.
珍妮唱的 "圆约翰处子" And Jenny with her "Round John Virgin."
天啊 你还记得这个? Oh, God, no! How can you remember that?
圆约翰处子 圣母与孩子 "Round John Virgin, mother and child"
这太棒了 我从来没想到 That's great. I never thought of that.